I was talking to someone I've known for more than half my life the other night and he said some things that surprised me. I'm not surprised by the generic statements, "You're beautiful", "You're funny" or "I love you". It's when someone pin points an odd tendency or neurotic behavior and expresses an appreciation for it, that shocks me. I feel as if I'm really being seen. Seen for the weird, obsessive, slight control freak that I am. Not only is it being seen but in someones eyes it's what makes me hot, what makes me attractive to them. (Not sure what that says about the other person...) Isn't that what we all want? To really be seen, not just by a significant other but by our friends and our family. To be loved, not in spite of, but because of all our quirks and random traits. I know that I'm an acquired taste. Like whiskey or bitter foods. It took me a long time to accept that not everyone is going to love me. As a matter of fact, I know I either piss off or irritate most people. That's okay because for every 10 people that can't stand me, there is one that loves the hell out of me. Took a long time to be okay with that. My ex-wife once wrote a list of about a hundred things she loved about me. It went from my toes to my sometimes snobby perspectives on people. She made me feel amazing. Not because she said how gorgeous I was or that she loved that I read books on a regular basis or that I had a great ass. She said she loved my short temper about random things that never seemed a big deal to her. Or how anxious I get when I'm trying to sleep/relax/watch something and there are people moving around. Things that I was upset at myself for she let me know were the things that made me...me, and that they were the reasons she loved me.
I want that again. To hear, "You're amazing" and know that it's not a direct reference to my appearance, my humor or intelligence but to me as a whole person. I'm not a romantic. I'm a realist. I know there is no "Prince Charming" but it would be cool to find a Prince "Charms my pants off and then makes me laugh".
So many people associate the word lonely with depression, desperation or being pathetic. I am none of those things. I'm happy. I laugh, live and have fun on a regular basis. But I am lonely. Not just for a romantic relationship but just connection in general. I'm still productive and driven. Lonely is just another feeling mixed in with the rest of them.
I think my trip to CA just reminded me of what it was like to be around people that love me the way my friends do. Missing everyone already.
