I Need Space. I Need Quiet.

Yesterday I got to have the whole day to myself. Well, not really to myself, I had the 6 year old with me but there was no brother making messes, no mom making everything, and I mean everything, chaotic. I love and am grateful for my mother but living with her is one of the greatest tests of my adulthood. It's like living with a 5 year old that has extreme emotional outbursts, temper tantrums and mood swings. She is not balanced at all and knows no other way to live except by extremes. One moment she's a raging bitch and the next she's sugar sweet. More often than not it's the angry, moody and mean personality we get. We butt heads constantly because, quite frankly, I'm better at managing a house and raising a kid than she is. She constantly overwhelms herself with things she doesn't need to have or do. While completely ignoring things she NEEDS to focus on. Like regular exercise, healthy emotional/mental behavior, patience and consistency. The only thing she's consistent with is drama. I've never met anyone else so dead set on being unhappy. It's sad and frustrating. I've always taken care of my mom. My nickname among my friends IS mom. I take care of everyone. People come to me for advice and comfort. I have a couple of friends that are MY rock when I need them, unfortunately they live across the world from me and sadly, I feel a great distance between us right now. I know it's not forever and that my life is supposed to be solitary right now but I still miss feeling close. Straying from the point....

I need my own space. So far in my life, whenever I've lived on my own, without a partner/parent, it's been in a chaotic, unbalanced state. I went from living at home with a controlling, abusive mother to being married to a controlling, abusive spouse. The few short moments in between all that and in the midst of it all where I was responsible for myself, I lived in a state of youthful indulgence. No structure what-so-ever. That's not what I want anymore. Never again will I live in, to be blunt, filth. My duplex in Sac was horrifying. All we ever did was go out, party and recover at home. We never put any effort into our home. It was a bachelor pad. Horrible. I look back now and just can't believe I let it be that way. On that note, I can't believe how much I used to drink. Seriously, drunk, every night. I think I was constantly hungover at work. I smoked so much in comparison to now. Ugh. I was so unhealthy. I never worked out. I never had hobbies. I never wrote or read or went hiking or baked or...anything, besides drink and make terrible decisions. I seriously cannot imagine my life like that anymore. I love working out. I love eating healthy. I love having a few beers, feeling good and STOPPING before I get completely out of control. I love spending my weekends making budgets, paying bills, planning trips, researching vehicles and just generally being responsible. I like that I'm someone my brother looks up to instead of worries about.

The whole point is, I'm ready to have my own space and be a real adult. Maybe I'm never going to feel like an adult. Maybe I'll always feel like I'm fifteen inside. But I know that I can't take anymore steps backward. Only forward. I know that so many of my friends have been doing these routine things for years. But for me, I've done so many very adult things that set me apart from most people my age and at the same time, I've been stuck in a very childish state when it comes to things like finances, self-control, etc. I went from being controlled by my mother to being controlled by my spouse and it wasn't until I was 23/24 that I was completely in charge of myself. The first couple of years were super rough and the past year it's been about smoothing it all out, getting back to good. Now here I am. Ready to buy my first car, all by myself. Wanting my own place again. Finally having the confidence/self-esteem to go back to school. It feels good and scary as shit all at the same time.

Just thinking about all of this...
My mom was home all day today, I've been really sick and all I want is peace, quiet and to relax. It's basically impossible with her around. I couldn't help but repeat over and over today, "I need my own place." Then I've been talking to this guy and we've been on one date. Haven't even kissed yet but he's stayed interested. He's like a real person. He didn't try to shove his tongue down my throat on the first date and I was worried I'd done something wrong, but he's consistently kept in contact. Almost every day. He called me on my birthday and sang to me. We're texting as I write this. Someone actually interested in me?? He even dropped in on me at work without notice. I was soooo awkward and he still wants to see me again. It's weird. And completely freaks me out. When it comes to relationships, I worry a lot about whether that person is going to fuck me over or not but mostly I worry about what I'm going to do. My ex told me that I don't know how to love people. That I'm fucked up and I'm never going to have anything meaningful. I made a lot of mistakes in the 5 years we were married. I am scared to death I'm going to be a complete failure when it comes to romantic relationships. I avoid them. But I'm not satisfied with meaningless sexual relationships anymore. I want more now and that means I have do give this whole dating thing a serious go 'round again.

Feels like a lot has changed and a lot is changing. Not always easy to process. I've become accustom to viewing myself in a particular fashion for a number of years (my entire life basically) that it's odd to expect more, not only for myself but FROM myself. Whoa.

Running In Place

Stuck in the middle. That's how I feel. It is a reoccuring issue with me. A fight within myself. I have this incredible desire to put some roots down...somewhere, but I don't know where yet. I'd like to have a relationship, but only the kind I want. At the same time there's so much I have/want to do that I don't see a relationship as an option. Then I see my friends from all over the world, all the things they're doing and places they're going....what am I doing here? Why am I trying to buy a car? Should I actually go back to college and finish? Or should I just go? Teach English somewhere random and forget everything else? I feel like I'm missing, well, everything. I'm way too "big" for this rural area. I won't complain too much. I'm way more in touch with nature and myself. I'm healthy and fit. I don't know if I could've gotten to this relaxed place if I hadn't come up here. Do I need to just tough this out and get it completely together? I woke up this morning restless. Did some yoga to help quiet my mind...now it's just a more calm version of "racing" and I can't stop thinking of all the possibilities. I want to see so much and here I am. Maybe I will forever teeter between a free and nested position in life.

I'm also starting to freak out because I don't know how to relate to most of the people I've met up here. I feel isolated and if it weren't for all my lovely friends from all over the place, I'd have gone mad by now. My social skills are deteriorating (they weren't that strong to begin with, I'm a little abrasive) and that bothers me. I have to work hard at being an outgoing person, I'm way more introverted and spending majority of my free time alone doesn't help me practice appropriate social interaction. I just find myself becoming increasingly judgmental, impatient and irritated with people. It's frustrating because that is the opposite of what I want to be doing. This period of my life started a lot more zen...

I miss having drinks with my girls and feeling at ease in their presence. Random conversations about anything from cars to the president. Great discussions outside of Plan B and drinking Ozujsko with all the wonderful people I met in Croatia.

It's not horrible here. I get a lot of peace. There is so much open space, which I love. It's quiet. It's made me a lot more introspective. I have way more good days than bad days. I know that the next few years will be very solitary for me, I guess I just wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for it. I've had a wonderful, loving support system ever since my divorce and now it's time to do this thing on my own. I'm ready to face my problems and handle the bumps in life on my own, completely.

It's an unsettling feeling, not "fitting" anywhere. It makes me restless and lonely. These are feelings I need to learn to deal with and not distract myself from. More writing. This helped so much and I'm ending this entry with a smile on my face. :)