I think I need to change the title of my blog...

It's weird to compare and contrast the people we are with who we used to be...

I never thought in a million years I'd be 26, living with my mother and unemployed. I also never thought it would be the time in my life where I'd be the happiest. Although this is one of the less enjoyable moments of my life for a few reasons, it's also the most educational. I'm unhappy with my financial situation and my physical appearance. For the first time ever in my life, those are the only two things that I'm genuinely unsatisfied with. Two things? That's it? There are so many more that I'm thrilled about and it's insane to me that for once, the good outweighs the bad in my life. I have some amazing friends in my life, every day I get to hug, kiss and be there for a fabulous 6 year old and it has reminded me of why I want to have children one day, I am getting to know my family all over again, I have traveled and lived on the other side of the world, I'm free, I'm still scared of life and all the risks involved but now, I use that fear as fuel instead of letting it hold me down. I love someone and that is mind blowing for me because I seriously thought I didn't have the ability anymore. This isn't love like, we're getting married and having babies. It is not, if I'm not with this person I will just fall apart. It is not, I could never see myself with anybody else. It is just, love. The kind that just is and regardless of what type of relationship we have or will have, I'm happy that I just feel this way. I am grateful for every moment we share, every time he makes me laugh, every hug and every smile we share. He is one of my best friends and if that's all it ever is, I'd be happy with that.

I'm doing research into long-term travel. I'm almost positive I don't want to be part of any program. I think I just want to set off on my own. It might take me awhile to get there but I know that's one of my life goals. I'm projecting that I will get this job tomorrow. It would be perfect because it is right next to the college up here. That means I can further my education as well as pay off debt/save for traveling/moving. Tomorrow I will resume my Summer 2012 fitness routine. I'm actually really excited about that. It's been a long time coming and I'm ready to be healthy again. I'm excited to be heading in a positive direction. To be getting my life back on track, a better track than it was on before.

Every day and everything I have is a gift...a gift I'm incredibly grateful for.

Flimsy Writing Material

It's hard to write a blog about love/dating/relationships/sex when it's not an option or priority. I'm isolated up here and the person I'd like to make a go of it with isn't in the picture or near me. The only thing I think of on a regular basis is sex and well, that's because I have, uh, a healthy sex drive to say the least.

I was talking to a friend today and she had recently been broken up with. One of her statements was, "I feel like I have everything except the partner." I had to stop that way of thinking and I told her to do the same. There are plenty of people, men and women, who live the single life and do it happily. Besides, if you're not happy by yourself, don't think you are going to be happy with anybody else. This is an intelligent, sweet, funny and BEAUTIFUL woman. She is extremely accomplished, anybody would be lucky to get a chance with her. She just dates one idiot after another, I don't get it. I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than in a relationship for all the wrong ones. I guess I just don't understand the mentality of people who can't handle being single. I think it's awesome most of the time. I don't have to worry about answering to anybody, being responsible for someone else's feelings, I can spend as much time with my friends and family as I want. My perfect person is someone I don't even feel like I'm committed to. :) Of course I'd like a relationship, to build something real with someone, but I'm not going to sacrifice who I am or what I want to do that. I'd rather just be alone.

Started me thinking...why do people end up in and then stay in, unfulfilling relationships? Or with partners that hold them back? The person you're with should always push you to be a better version of yourself. Not that I'm not motivated on my own but the type of person I want to be with will always be asking me what's next, not are you done yet?

F%$k this time of year.

I'm tired of....
not feeling good enough.
always being single.
being in the fucking friend zone.
feeling out of place with my family.
missing my friends.
looking for a job.
being in the states.
feeling directionless.
not having a license.
raising other people's children.
not being able to breathe! (fuck this altitude)
life.

I'm thankful for....
my fucked up family.
Katie, Nic and Kirby.
other people's children.
being single and free.
all the traveling I've done.
my health.
my marriage and divorce.
being intelligent and strong.
good sex.
life.

I hate holidays. They just remind me of everything I've never had and everything I did. I hate this time of year.

Day of Indulgence

9 out of 10 I'm content. Then there's that one day that's reserved for country love songs and a glass of wine. Today is that day.

"My poor heart needs somebody that can...
Take it like a man, steady and strong
Not a lot of fuss and carryin' on
True to a promise I can write in stone
Take it like a man who knows about love
Every little thing that a girl dreams of
Someone who's wise enough to understand...
If you want this woman's heart
You gotta take it like a man."

I'm not sad, lonely or unhappy...just...restless and wistful. We're all entitled to those days, as long as we indulge just once in awhile.

Constant Craving

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

I've experienced so much the past 10 years...

Why would I settle for mediocrity when it comes to love? I don't settle for it in the other areas of my life. I like to feel alive, laugh, take risks and feel the fear, pushing past it. I want to learn as much, travel as much and do as much good as I can. I don't want to live a life of so-so experiences. And I don't want a love that leaves me wanting, yearning or needing more. I'm very realistic about love and relationships but I refuse to settle just to be with someone. I want it all or not at all. My life is wonderful, full of love and I'm happy.

Who says we can't have our "happily ever after"? My idea of perfection is another woman's nightmare. Everyone's dream is different and we all have the right to have it come true. Don't give up ladies. Don't get discouraged when life doesn't work out the way you want. What you want might not be what you need.

Just Because

It seriously doesn't matter whether they care or not...saying what you mean and meaning what you say is the best medicine for any illness...I LOVE YOU GODDAMN IT. And then....breathe, release. It's out there. It's been said. Now, they will do something with it or they won't. Either way, it's not going to affect your path and if it does, hopefully it's in the longterm,

Just saying those three little words...because it's real, because it's never said and because you're such a stone cold bitch most of the time. *pat on the back*

Double Standards and Unrealistic Expectations of Human Beings

I was reading a guy's blog, watching movies and then watching a bunch of stand up this morning, because I have no job. Over and over there were male comedians referring to sluts and whores. Women who give it up too quick. "Why are women surprised when they give it up the same night and don't get a call the next day??" Umm...you gave it up also. Am I supposed to lose interest in the guy because he fucked me? No, it's acceptable behavior for men. Are men saying that if they REALLY like a woman they aren't going to sleep with them? No, if there's a chance they can get laid, more than likely they will. But then the responsibility falls back on the female to say no, act like a "lady" and hold off on sleeping with a guy. You know what I think? It's bullshit. If a man really likes a woman, it's not going to matter whether she fucked him the first time around or the fifth. It's an excuse and a cop out for not calling women that the guy just really isn't interested in. Be a man and own up to the fact that you just wanted to get laid, you had no real interest in the woman in the first place. But we're supposed to play this game, this back and forth, push/pull, take me on a few dates before I let you between my legs. It's really just an obnoxious game because I know pretty quickly whether I want to sleep with you or not. I'm not going to make some poor guy I have no intention of fucking take me out on multiple dates and on the same hand, I'm not going to force myself to wait a month or longer of hanging out with someone I have an instant connection with to see what our sexual chemistry is like. That's just wasting time. I make quick decisions about whether I want to actually date someone or not. I don't give it up on the first date, that's not enough time to make a judgment, but I'm not waiting to find out he sucks in bed or we just don't click sexually. Sex is way too important to me. There are men I have no intention of dating, ever, but I'm incredibly attracted to them. They are friends with benefits, when I'm single. Then there are men I can actually see myself having a real relationship with, so I hold off a little with them to build some sort of basis, a friendship. But if you don't give it up quick enough you're a prude, too fast and you're a slut. Do men have to worry about this shit? Do they have to stress about when the right time is or if they should or will she think of me differently if we sleep together too soon??? NO!
I know that this subject is a reoccurring theme in my blog and for good reason. I'm forced to think about it every day as a female. I see it in television, movies, books and advertisements. I just watched “What’s Your Number?” this morning and I liked part of the message. (Aside from the, “The sexy playboy guy in your life that you like is totally going to change his ways because you’re different, you’re the one” bullshit). She, in comparison to the other women in the film, had a high number of sexual/dating partners and was judging herself harshly for it. In the end my favorite line was, “I’m a jobless slut and I want to be with someone who loves me for it.“ I loved the movie but it did get me thinking, once again and judging myself/other women/men/society once again. It's a constant balancing act between slut and prude. It's stressful and takes energy I just don't prefer to put into it. Why can't women be as basic and simple as men? If she wants to sleep with you...let her sleep with you! Then continue getting to know her. I guess it also comes down to the chase. There's no real chase after that, not sexually anyways. You've had it. Maybe you don't want it anymore. But there's the other part of the chase. Now make an effort to get her interested in more. The same way we have to put all this effort into our appearance, listening to you guys, responding appropriately. Trying to be the perfect mix of intelligent but flirty, sexy but serious and all the while stressing the hell out about whether or not you guys are going to ask us on another date. Just writing about it is making me tired. There are so many restrictions, rules, guidelines and games. Skip the judgmental ideas society has brainwashed you with your entire life and think for yourself. If she's the kind of woman you can see yourself with in a real way, don't make the timing of sex a make it or break it issue.

Now that I've ranted, I'm going to bake brownies and get everything ready for dinner for this insane family of mine...

A Little Consideration

Gentlemen. If a woman tells you she has real feelings for you and that you're her ideal partner, do not only contact her at midnight, one, two or three in the morning after a night of intense drinking. Have a little more respect for her feelings because she is obviously invested. Relegating her to "booty call" status just makes her admission of emotion seem like an even worse decision than she initially thought. At least make the woman feel as if you still respect her as a friend, consider her feelings because guys, even an unemotional, logical, rational woman such as myself will still over analyze the hell out of a man's actions if I'm even slightly emotionally invested. This is because women are nuts. I'm on the lower end of the insanity spectrum but it's still there. Make sure the woman you're drunk dialing, knows what she is and is available for her agreed upon position in your life, as your late night drunk fuck.

On top of that, I live 9 hours away. Even if I wanted to push all my feelings aside to still get laid (because it was great sex) I CAN'T. So, in conclusion, if you want to remain friends with the woman, call at a decent hour, keep the conversation to neutral topics and stop drunk dialing, the friendship is still important and valued. Those calls create hope where there is obviously none and are confusing seeing as there is a huge distance issue.

Thank you,
Women Who Shouldn't Care But Do

Tick, tick, tick.

Is it my "biological clock" or society or my own desire that keeps me thinking about having kids/settling down lately? Maybe it's being up here where I feel like I fit in a little more. Women here are strong, work just as hard as men and it is VERY much country living. I haven't felt anxious about going out when the weekend comes around. I sit on my back porch, listen to my music and drink a little whiskey. I go to bed before 10 and most nights before 9. I get up before the sun to hang out with my family before brother heads off to work and Jamie heads off to school. I cook, I clean and I look for jobs. I'm more excited about helping Jamie with her homework than talking to my friends. I know that there will be moments where I'm going to want to go be rowdy, drink a little too much and have a good fuck, but right now, I'm so content. I went to visit my aunt and uncle the other night, they invited us over for dinner. As we sat talking my aunt started bringing up marriage, kids, dating and all that shit. It is expected up here that women hurry up and pop out some kids. In my aunt's eyes I'm "gettin' up there" and need to find a husband. Not that I would be upset if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow but it's not my main focus in life. Maybe I am realizing that I'm 26, I'm still single and my expectations of a partner/relationship are a lot different than majority of women's. Finding the kind of man that would WANT to be with someone like me seems nearly impossible. I don't have a problem at all if I just want to have sex but if I hold off on that to try to get to know someone....

I don't know. My aunt just started me thinking about societal pressures, ideas pushed on us women starting as children and whether or not I actually want any of the "ideal" things women are supposed to want. Maybe I just want to work a little, travel a lot and find someone who wants to do the same until we can't anymore. If there's a kid in there somewhere ok, if not, whatever. Oh who am I kidding...I'm an old fashioned family woman who wants to have children and a husband to share it all with. My life will still be fulfilling and enjoyable without it but it would be nice. Now where did the desire for all this come from???.....Me? Society? My family? Ideas...???

Single does not equal sad.

Sometimes I wonder if the ebb and flow of my desire for a relationship is really what I want or if it is what has been pushed upon me as a female my entire life. I wonder if the feeling of being complete without a partner is because I really am fine being single or if it is because I've been alone for so long, it is just what I'm accustom to. Am I staying single because I refuse to settle or because the thought of giving someone the opportunity to hurt me the way I've been hurt in the past is just too scary? My marriage destroyed me. Divorce made me feel like a failure. My friendships feed that need for closeness and when I want sex, I have it. I don't see the need for someone to call a boyfriend/girlfriend but then there are days where all I want is a person to share everything with, to depend on, to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it and someone to take care of. My friend Joey got it right when he designed my tattoo, the contradiction of my need to be free with my desire to be loved. As women we are told in advertisements, from our families, our friends, our teachers and our religious leaders that what we want, our purpose, our inevitable ending, is to be a wife, a mother. These messages are sent to us in all forms from the moment we are born. We are put in our gender roles and the brainwashing begins. From what colors are for girls and for boys, what toys we play with and even how we're supposed to sit in comparison to our male counterparts. Men, in comparison, are told that they are supposed to feel the need to be free, they're closely compared to animals, the rules regarding life are not the same for men. They are expected to "sow their wild oats" and settle down later. Living a single and promiscuous lifestyle is completely acceptable for men, in fact, many married men envy their single friends. When a woman is single and engages in a more sexually free lifestyle, she's pathetic, sad and is told their is something wrong with it. Her married/non-single friends take on an air of judgement and pitty. Why? My life is fun, fulfilling and a constant adventure. I have the kinds of goals that I have NEVER had before. My entire life, all I wanted or what I thought I wanted, was to get married and have children. Now, those goals take a backseat to traveling, going back to school, having a career I love and being the best person I possibly can be, on my own terms. For the first time in my life and I mean in my entire life, all 26 years, I feel like the world, my life, is just one endless possibility. I can do anything I want. That is a better feeling than any relationship has ever given me and I'm going to hold onto it, I'm going to fight for that feeling every day. One day there will be someone that knows I'm too good to let go and until then, I'll continue loving my sexy single life.

Interviewing myself.

I did this interview with my friend about a week ago. One of my friends told me I should do the interview and put MY answers in. So here it is, my interview with myself...

1. How long did you identify as a lesbian?
I started sleeping with females when I was 14 and came out when I was 16. So between 8-10 years.

2. How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to date men?
The first year after my divorce I tried seeing a couple different women. It was stupid because I was definitely not ready to date. My divorce and the six months leading up to it was horrendous. There was no way to bounce back from it. The summer after, I had a random, drunken one night stand with a guy, which turned into a weekend of hanging out and sleeping together, which turned into us keeping in touch (he lived out of state). At first I freaked out, we eventually just became friends and I continued to identify as a lesbian. It wasn't until I met my first boyfriend that I actually considered dating men. He was seriously the nicest guy I had ever met and was super hot. So, I just went with it.

3. What was it like dating a man?
Different, very different. With women it's so emotional and it moves so quickly. I wasn't used to things moving so slow. With a woman it's totally normal to move in together after a couple months. After a couple months we still weren't an official couple. It was exactly what I needed though. We were completely open about everything. I told him I had never dated a man, as an adult woman so I didn't know what was acceptable and what wasn't. I kept it completely honest and straight forward. That worked initially but in the end ruined our relationship. I learned that dating man can be just like dating a woman. There are men with ridiculous insecurity, trust issues and that love the dramatic parts of a relationship. Those things were what I was trying to get away from.

4. Are there similarities between dating a man and a woman?
It depends on the guy that you date. I think that a lot of men are way more insecure and emotional than they would like to admit. The issue with me and dating in general is that I don't deal well with insecurity or overly emotional people. I believe in a relationship, it's okay to have that jealous moment once in awhile or to worry for a day about whether your partner really wants to be with you but when it becomes a constant thing, I don't have the patience. Both women and men can be that way. On the other hand, I get along better with men most of the time and they generally enjoy doing the types of things I find enjoyable. I like it simple and basic. Beers and a campfire. Hiking and a picnic. The gun range and a BBQ. Cooking dinner together and having some wine. All easy things. Even as friends, I usually enjoy hanging out with guys more than girls, usually.

5. Do you now have a gender preference?
I would say that I lean more towards men than women. I haven't had a longterm relationship with a man yet and that's still something I want to explore. I wouldn't be opposed to dating a woman but she would have to be extremely special for me to make that effort. Women scare the shit out of me to be honest. They're nuts.

6. What was it like having sex with a man for the first time in so many years?
Honestly, the first couple of times I was DRUNK. I had way too many mental blocks to actually, soberly have sex with a guy. But when I started dating my first boyfriend, it was nice. It was good. And as time has gone on and I've become very comfortable with my sexuality, the sex with men has become...fantastic. I will say that between the men and the women I've slept with, men are less passionate, less sensual. Sex with a woman, even when it's a one night stand, involves a lot more than just the fucking. Plus, being a woman, I'm more comfortable with my body around women than men, which adds to the overall fun of the sex.

7. What do you look for in a potential partner?
A best friend that I am sexually attracted to. I want to be with someone that I genuinely enjoy spending time with, they have to be a little country, eventually want kids and they have to love to travel. Someone who would consider living outside of the U.S. is a plus. And honestly, they can't have had that perfect childhood and life. Anyone I've tried to date like that does not understand me at all.

8. How did your friends/family respond?
It took my mom a very long time to be okay with me being a lesbian. About 7 years, so to then throw it at her that I was dating men I'm sure she was a little pissed I made her go through all that. She was happy. I know that she always has wanted me to be straight (not that I am now by any means). My brother had the best reaction, "I like that you're dating men now. Because now, when they fuck up, I can come down and beat their ass." I love my little brother. My sister, said she always knew I was a breeder. No surprise, we don't speak anymore. A lot of my friends were really supportive. There were a few that felt a little betrayed and were rude about it. I ran into a couple that I had known for years when I was out with my boyfriend, introduced them and they were just so unfriendly. One kept saying to her wife, "No, Anne has a boyfriend, like with a penis. Oh my god." Now, a couple years later, everyone is fine with it.

9. Any comments or advice for adult women barely entering the heterosexual dating scene?
Don't try to be anybody other than yourself. Lesbians are completely different from straight women and it's hard to find a straight man who likes the kind of women we are. But eventually, hopefully, we'll all find someone, woman or man.

End of the road.

Some of my entries make it seem like I'm ALWAYS having sex. On the contrary, I don't have sex all that often, just when I want it.

You know what hardly ever happens for me? Genuinely liking a person and having an interest in dating them. It's rare that I find that perfect combination of intelligence, gentleman and asshole (someone that can give me just as much shit as I give them) in one person. Plus great sex? What? Let alone finding someone who thinks I'm a gem and tells me so.

I never get emotionally involved. It's just supposed to be sex. Now I have to take the sex off the table. I'm a magnet for the unavailable. (Don't get all therapist on me, I know I attract unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm not an idiot.) He's just as fucked up as I am and that's why it works. We're friends before anything else and I don't want to ruin a friendship I enjoy so much. I just wish he wasn't so close to my ideal.

When I want it.

Waiting on a "friend" to come over and I started to get all uptight. About my body, my status, my everything. Whoa! No. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, fun woman who is anything but boring to fuck. It's so frustrating not being able to block out these negative messages that have been fed to me my whole life. No, I'm not a super model. I'm short and curvy. Practically midget status with a huge ass. Never heard a complaint about it but still I find myself comparing my body to all the waif like women, which, are beautiful as well, just different.

And there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I have no attachments. I am single and free to do what I please. Quite frankly, rubbing one out only satisfies for so long. Eventually I need to have a good fuck and hopefully a good laugh to accompany it. I think the word promiscuous is used so negatively. Yes, I am promiscuous. I don't limit myself in the sex department. Men. Women. It all feels good and every partner brings something different to the table. It doesn't mean I'm not safe or I put myself in danger. I want to own that word. I want to wear it. I want to use it as a strong, positive description for my happy, healthy sex life. Sometimes I think that people who use the words slut, whore, promiscuous, skank in a negative fashion are just pissed off that they either don't have the options I have or don't allow themselves. Get laid. It'll relax you. Stress, anger, pain...it'll melt away. Orgasms cure all.

Sexual Evolution

It's funny how we evolve over the years. All these different facets of ourselves change and shift. We gain or lose weight, change styles, attitudes are altered and goals are switched. What I'm going to focus on is my own personal sexual evolution. It's been the subject of scrutiny for awhile now. From people I've never even met calling me a slut to my closest friends putting in their two cents. But, they're my choices and why does anyone else have the right to judge what I do?

I'll break it down like this. Sex is fun. Sex feels good. People should have sex. Nobody should be made to feel negatively about what is a natural and enjoyable part of life. Sex is not strictly for relationships. Sometimes, what I need, is a good, fun fuck. No breakfast in the morning. No cuddling. Let's just get off and get on with life. Fucking is also not just for men. I am a woman with the sex drive of a teenage boy. I want it almost anytime and I'm not ashamed of my needs. Having said that, here's my history.

I lost my virginity when I was 13 to my first boyfriend. I lost my lesbian virginity when I was 14 to my best friend. My entire childhood sex, masturbation or anything related to those two things was made out as dirty and a sin. This started my lifetime of struggling with negative feelings regarding sex. As a teenager and young adult I used sex in a manipulative way. Either to manipulate others or myself. It wasn't until I was divorced that I really explored every aspect of my sexuality. This led to dating/sleeping with men and that opened up a whole new world of guilt for me. I was betraying my lesbian identity and community. I was a slut, whore, promiscuous...whatever.

Over the past three years I've come to some conclusions. One, I will do whatever I want to, regardless of society's ideas of what is acceptable behavior. Two, as long as I'm not intentionally hurting anyone everything is okay. Three, a sexually frustrated Anne Marie is a bitchy one and nobody likes me when I'm frustrated, sexually or otherwise. Four, random one night stands are not for me, but, sex with my good friends is my favorite. It can't be completely void of connection, I have to actually like the person to have sex with them. I'm not trying to fill any emotional void, I'm trying to feel physically good and release some aggression. I am not the typical female.

My last little stage of evolution is realizing that not everyone is going to be accepting or understanding of my views when it comes to sex. I have lost the interest of people because of my perspective or my brutal honesty. Call me a slut, a whore or whatever your choice word may be. The only difference between me and most women is that I'm not ashamed nor do I hide who I am and what I do. I'm not a bad person, on the contrary, I'm actually a really good person with a big heart and lots of compassion. I just keep it real. Love me or...leave me.

Two Peas in a Pod

This is my interview with my friend of almost eleven years. We both were out in the lesbian community at the same time in Fresno and have remained friends over the years. A couple years ago I started dating men. It was new, scary territory for me and none of my other lesbian friends had started dating men yet (it's become a trend, there are at least three other lesbians I've known for years that have started dating men). Tina just recently over the summer started dating a guy, it didn't work out but she did gain some experience. I wanted to get her perspective on the whole situation because being a lesbian dating men is completely different than two heterosexual people dating. Tina and I are very similar women, we want the same things, we're both Taurus women and we've both had some extremely painful relationship experiences. I understand why she is exploring the idea of dating men instead of women....

1. How long did you identify as a lesbian?

1999 to 2011...so 12 years, came out when I was 19.

2. How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to date men?

It started before my last lesbian relationship. My mom was telling me that it's not working out with women, maybe I'm not finding the right person, maybe I needed man to take care of us. Thought about it, told my mom no way. My mom said just be open, consider it. First time I made out with a guy since Dylan was born, was 2 years ago, old co-worker when we went and had drinks. Then had a date and I went home with him. It was very confusing for me, he got back with his gf and I didn't have time to process. Then I had a one year relationship with a crazy alcoholic woman that ended horribly. After we broke up I went out for 2nd Saturday and this guy turns around and starts talking to me. He asked me "What do you do?" Etc. Just started a conversation and after 5 minutes he asked or my number. I wasn't used to getting hit on by guys and it was weird. Kinda freaked out, "Did I give him my number???" I turned him down over and over but he didn't stop. We met up finally, had drinks, went back to his place and slept together. Aftwards I freaked out and ran down the street crying.

3. What was it like dating a man?

It was great. I actually felt secure, happy and protected. He was bigger, taller and stronger. He could just pick me up and toss me around. It was nice to be guided and protected. With women it was always 50/50. He wanted to do things for me. It's something I've never experienced before.

4. Are there similarities between dating men and women? No, I can only speak for me but I can say it was completely different. How we were together, where we went, what we did, the sex, it was all different.

5. Do you now have a gender preference? That's a tough one. I honestly don't know if I can answer that right now because I'm still a little stuck on that one guy. Until I meet another guy and try to date him I won't know if it was just him or his gender. I definitely want to try it again. But then there are some girls that I think are cute too. I can honestly say, over the summer, I could have seen myself having a life with that person, falling in love and having a family, without looking back. I could see the future, I don't think I would have regretted it.

6. What was it like having sex with a man for the first time in so many years? Honestly, the first couple of times I was completely intoxicated. After a couple times, as we continued to date, the sex was amazing! It was amazing. I don't think I've had that many orgasms in my life.

7. What do you look for in a potential partner? There has to be attraction, I do prefer the dark features. Dark hair, light eyes. Right now, I'm looking for someone who wants to have a family with me. I already have a teenager and I'm open to having another baby. It's been just my son and I for so long by ourselves that I would like the stability. Laughter in the house, combined families and big holidays. I'm tired of small, I want big. Of course I need chemistry and great sex. I don't care about the money, cars or expensive things. I just want to be happy and have a family.

8. How did your friends/family respond? My mom was ecstatic. My son was cool, whatever makes you happy. My close friends were very accepting. His friends were very accepting, I'm sure the guys had a few jokes when I wasn't around. Then there were a few aquaintances and ex's friends that I ran into when we were together, they actually weren't very nice. They were rude, yelling, saying "Tina, who are you with??" Made me feel very small. He just took my hand and said, "Are you ok?" My ex had a huge fit. She had a lot of mean things to say, like I just wanted dick and for someone to pay for everything. Not very nice at all.

9. Any comments or advice for adult women barely entering the heterosexual dating scene? I can't really say that I'm one to give advice but I'm still trying to figure my ways. Just be open and see what happens, if I hadn't had my mom telling me that I might not have. Unfortunately, nothing is forever, if you find that you're with someone or doing something you don't like, you can always go back. But....just know that whether it's a man or a woman, it could always end in heartache. (Wow super positive Tina.)

"Nice" Guys Finish Last

"If a man is over 30 and still single you need to spend 6 more months getting to know him. If there's a good man, there are girls like us who will swoop him up, good men don't make it past 30 single. Guaranteed, if a man is over 30 and single, there's some major flaws."

Words of wisdom from one of my favorite people. I was seeing someone who I thought was a really nice guy. He was intelligent, funny, sweet and we had a lot of similar interests. He would say things like, "I'm enjoying taking my time getting to know you." and we never slept together, thankfully. I recently found out that he had been sleeping with not one, but two of my friends. One girl he was completely aware of our friendship and continued to pursue both of us, not letting either of us know so we could make the decision to be involved or not. This morning I was told that he had been sleeping with one of my other friends! You would think, if you're going to get it in, maybe stay out of the same group of women, although we all are pretty rad. (Yes, in Sacramento, most of us heavily tattooed girls know each other and hang out.) It would've been one thing if he had been completely honest with each one of us. Hey, you just want to get laid? I get it. I'm a woman with the sex drive and perversions of a 16 year old boy. I do what I want, when I want. No judgement here, but, do not play the "nice" guy who is genuinely interested in dating and "getting to know" me. Don't say sweet things or tell women how much you like them if all you want to do is fuck. I have a lot more respect for a man/woman who can be brutally honest. "Hey, I don't want to date you but I think you're hot. Let's fuck?" That is way more acceptable than the games or false interest. I'm the kind of woman who, if someone is going to play games, lie or basically just be an asshole, I can detach pretty easily. I'm more upset with my friend getting her feelings hurt.

Back to my friend's advice. This guy is in his late thirties and obviously, still single. I don't know if it's completely true that a man over 30 is damaged goods or that they should be avoided. There are plenty of men my age that are fucked up. I guess I thought that dating an older man would be less drama because of my previous experience (he was 45, I was 25...no, it didn't work out but there were no games or drama). I guess what it is, is that older men have more time to perfect their game and polish their lines. Not one but three women were fooled into thinking this guy was one of the "nice" ones and to fool a cynical/suspicious woman such as myself is quite an accomplishment. Well done, asshole.

P.S. I'm not saying women aren't fucked up or have issues. There are plenty of women who are not all sunshine and rainbows to be with. But...who hurt her to make her that way? I've had more than my fair share of hell to deal with since birth but I don't take it out on other people, cheat, lie or abuse the ones I love. I just love my booze and my good times, it doesn't hurt anybody but me (and most of the time it's a good hurt).

And here we go...

I have spent the last couple of years exploring who and what I am. I divorced my wife of five years three years ago and since then I've gotten to know myself. There was a lot I found out I liked about myself and there was a lot I discovered I didn't like at all. One thing I discovered was, I'm not gender specific. This came as a shock to quite a few of my gay friends AND my straight friends. It has been confusing, crazy and hilarious. I thought for sure when I started dating men it would be much easier because I assumed men weren't as emotional (insane) as women tend to be. I was wrong. So wrong. The first man I dated after TEN years of only sleeping with/dating women, was essentially, just like many of the women I had dated. Emotional, possessive, jealous and insecure. Um, no thanks. Being the independent and sometimes unemotional woman that I am, that just doesn't work. Then there was the emotionally unavailable jerk who would constantly play the push/pull games. Then there were the numerous men who of course are only interested in one thing. I'm starting to wonder where the "normal" men/women are. I consider myself a pretty good catch. Not jealous, possessive or insecure. I like my alone time as much as anybody else. Friend time is extremely important to me and typically my friends come first (they are my family). I like to get dirty and I love to be outdoors. Drinking beer and bullshitting is one of my favorite activities. I hear men say all the time they want a down to earth, fun girl but when they have a shot at it, they choose the crazy ones. The women that throw fits when they want to have a guys night or won't allow them to have female friends. Ok, the woman is hot and probably great in bed, but is that long term potential? Is that someone you really want to spend your time with? We all have our moments of crazy, men and women alike (especially when alcohol is involved) but when it's on a consistent basis I would think that would get old pretty quick. The past two years of dating men has been extremely interesting, frustrating and very fun. This was just a quick introduction and stick with me, I'll get more organized with my writing as I post more. This is my first blog but I have material for days. Expect a lot on love, marriage, dating and sex. <3