Mini Pity Party

I went to my first baby class tonight. There were so many couples.

It made me sad and lonely. I wish my son was coming into a loving relationship. I wish I'd made better decisions.

Okay! Done being sad.

I've missed me.

The past couple months of my pregnancy have been probably the hardest of my entire life. I have this little life inside me that I'm responsible for and soon he will be here, in my arms and a whole new and different kind of pressure will be on. But the fog has started to lift....

For months I have been trying to make something work with his father. Now that I look at it a little clearer I'm not sure why I was so concerned with there being an "us".  I spent so much time worrying about what this person thought of me I forgot what I thought of myself. He doesn't like my past...well my past made me who I am and it has been a valuable learning tool. We have completely different views on religion. I respect his but I'm "less than" because of mine. Our political views are different, our choices in food, fitness, recreation...pretty much everything is opposing. Why would I want to spend my precious time with someone I have nothing in common with? I adore this person, truly. I think he is funny, smart and sexy in his own way...he will forever be family and I'm very dedicated to my family. He is going to financially support us so I can have a maternity leave, which I am so grateful for and I know he won't shy away from his financial responsibilities. I'm very lucky in that aspect, I won't forget it. But, my entire pregnancy we had this plan that he would move back here, get a job and we'd get the bills all taken care of then decide on a place we would both like to move, something beneficial for us both. In January he came down so we could find out the sex of the baby. It was then seeing where "we" would go was discussed. I didn't make the moves, he did and I thought we were on a path towards a future together. Evidently not, he took a job in Oregon and won't be coming back. I finally demanded a real answer on whether we were going to be romantically involved and he said no. Everything that I had been planning on or relying on for months got ripped away from me. It felt like I'd gotten the wind knocked out of me. I went up to visit the town he would be living in, maybe I could move up there to be closer and so our son could be around his father. On the drive up I just knew...it's too far for me. I have people that love me here. I have a support system. Once again, it's all on me, like it has been the past 6 months and how it will be from now on. The moment I stopped worrying about what might happen, that's when things started to happen and I started to breathe again. I felt like I could make decisions again. I have options.  Spending time with my loved ones has become more enjoyable. Thinking of my future isn't the scary, depressing mental movie that is was becoming. I even see a different woman in the mirror. I'm in control again and it feels fucking great. Just let all the worry and negative crap go. And surprise, I allowed myself to be happy and I started to attract attention again, even pregnant.

Point is, he made it clear I'm not a priority and being near his son isn't either right now and that helped me make myself/my son number one again. I may be Type A and a little high strung but I love how productive I can be, how much I love to work and creating/building has become a passion again. It's like I was paralyzed for months and all of a sudden I can move again! I know I can be intimidating, opinionated, stubborn and strong willed. I want someone who values those qualities and loves me because of them. Because of those "faults" I will never let down the ones I love, I will work myself into the ground to provide for my family, I love with every ounce of me and in ways people can't even comprehend. I'm a gem and I won't let anyone make me feel like anything less again.

I love feeling free again and I can't wait to meet my little boy. He has been my entire world the past 6 months and I can't even begin to imagine the intensity of the love I will feel once I have him in my arms. I feel hopeful again. Scared to death but at least I have a direction now...I haven't had something to motivate me to be the best I can be in years. I was coasting. Over the past two years I had slowly been building up my self-confidence/esteem, trying to turn my life around after running myself/it into the ground for so long. This little boy has put me in fast forward, he's changed everything. How I look at life, my plans for the future, what's important to me and how I treat myself. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I shouldn't be doing anything but exuding gratitude, peace and happiness.

This roller coaster

It's weird how accustom I have become with being alone. I miss my friends, my loved ones and my familiar cities/towns....I also find myself shying away from superficial interaction. It doesn't seem worth it to spend the time if I'm left feeling empty or bored. Why not spend that time reading, listening to my favorite music (which is like spending time with family) and planning my little family's future? I don't even enjoy watching TV/movies the way I used to. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. I've become a hermit over the last year and especially since the pregnancy. Everything has shifted. I also just don't have the social circle up here that I have in California...which I greatly miss. More often than not I find myself turning off the TV or putting down the book just so I can sit quietly with my thoughts.  It has become more of a desire to have my hand held or arms around me than to have a conversation. I've always been an island. Too independent, too proud and too hard. It is extremely hard to try to continue that way in this situation. Now what helps the most is an arm around my shoulders...unfortunately there isn't anyone here who hugs me and takes it all away or anyone I would let that close. Those people have been few and far between in my life. I feel like I'm losing my brother, who is my best friend up here. My mom is, as usual, overwhelmed with her own life. She tries but I always end up feeling more in charge of her best interest than the other way around. Being single and pregnant has been so much harder than I thought it would be...I am tough, I can handle whatever comes my way because there is no other choice...but there are so many changes, so many things happening within me and to me...he isn't here to share it with and we aren't in a relationship...even if we were, relying on someone for support has never been my strength. He wants to be there, he tells me to call when I'm having a hard time, to ask for help...but I can't. I can't have him thinking I can't do this because I can. What would I say anyways?? "I'm scared. Of what? I don't know. Everything? Myself? Life? Our child?"

On top of all the loneliness/isolation/hiding...I have never been more...um...hormonal. Ha. I thought I had a sex drive before....and of course, I'm single. Sometimes it feels as if I'm starving. I crave physical contact more than I ever have before. It is practically torture. Now add in emotional starvation, no intelligent interaction and the freezing goddamn weather (which means I can't even go out for a walk/hike to ease some tension) and that makes for a cranky, sad, overwhelmed, stressed out woman.

I'm ready to run away....this place isn't for me.

With all that off my chest....here comes 2013. The year my entire life changes forever. At the end of May I will be 28 and welcoming my first child into this strange world. The past 5 years is a blur of mistakes, challenges, triumphs, change and some of the most amazing experiences. I feel the last couple of years have led me up to this. I had my big year. 2011, quit both my jobs, got rid of all my security, moved across the world, came back and started over in practically a foreign country (Wells, NV), got to know myself like I never have. Met someone who made me question everything I had decided about life and myself. And every time he walked out of my life or I kicked him out, I knew that wasn't the end...now here we are. He is my best friend and the father of this little being growing inside me. All the mistakes I've made the past couple years are all biting me in the ass as I try to prepare for this baby but they are things I learned before being a mommy, mistakes I'll never make again. I spent the last year up here slowing down...I guess I should've known this was coming...I never thought I'd slow down. Four years ago when I lost my first baby, I knew it wasn't the right time and I remember saying one night, not now, not right now. I feel like my child has returned to me, knowing that this is a much better space to enter. I am ready and welcome this huge shift in my life, focus and future.

Bring it 2013. This won't be easy. It's not the way I planned it. But when have I ever done anything the "right" way?

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Oh how life changes in such a short period of time...

I just entered my second trimester of pregnancy. Just 3 months ago I thought my life was on a completely different path and now...I'm anxiously awaiting and preparing for the arrival of my first child. This was completely unexpected and far from planned.

Thinking back on the last four years of life it seems that everything has been leading me to this point. The opportunities I've taken, the mistakes I've made, the relationships that didn't work out. Especially over the last two years. I lived in another country for 6 months. It was like my last big thing before my life became completely about this little being. I moved to the middle of nowhere, completely isolated myself, got in better shape than I've been in in years, learned to stay home on the weekends, not drink every day, reconnect with my family and become peaceful once again. And then I was given this beautiful gift and if it had happened a year ago I might have completely freaked out but now...it just seems so right.

I don't think I've ever felt sexier. I love my body and what it is doing. I forgive myself for not being a size 2 or a little bit taller because my body is so perfect as it is and with what it is doing. You would think that being pregnant would make you feel awful and believe me, the first trimester was a real test for me but the past few weeks have just gotten better and better. Like I said, I've never ever felt more sexy. My body and I are freakin' awesome.

Not to say it doesn't come with some negative...

I thought I had dealt with my anger towards my mother for the hell she has put me through my entire life but evidently not. Once again I've been reminded that my mother, isn't a mother. She isn't excited about being a grandmother, she hasn't bought one thing for my baby, she doesn't ask if I've thought of names or what I want or if I'm scared or...anything. She is angry at me for not asking for her help but if I do she gives me a guilt trip. Nothing I do is good enough, I can't handle things to her liking and I am most definitely a disappointment. I could never live up to the amazing person my little brother is. Her baby. Her favorite. I had forgotten why I'd lived so far away for so long...oh how I remember now. My friends are my real family. My mother knows nothing of unconditional love, sacrifice without holding it over someone's head or nurturing a person in general. My entire family, mom and dad's side are a bunch of judgmental, cold, ignorant, manipulative people and I have been so much happier without them for a long time. I don't know why I wanted to get myself all caught up in this bullshit once again.
Okay, not all my family, my Aunt and cousins, especially my cousin Stephanie, are amazing and without them, I would've moved away already. My brother, he will always be number one to me, even if he barely speaks to me now. Maybe he'll miss me when I'm gone...

I will be seeking out counseling to deal with my mother before my child arrives. There is no way I will bring that poor baby into this bullshit. And once we're used to each other, the three of us (Tim, baby and I) will be moving far away. I don't want to raise my child here and I would like to be closer to my friends or at least somewhere they actually want to visit. I can't be the one traveling all the time to see them.

In short...whoa. I don't feel ready at all but completely prepared all at the same time. I feel really rusty writing so I'll be doing it more to get used to it again. This doesn't flow at all....

Loving it.

It's weird the things that change and what you realize as you get older.

I don't think I've ever felt better in my skin. When I was 20 years old I worked out 3 times a day, never drank, never smoked, no drugs, was vegetarian. I weighed about 110-115 lbs. I was solid and tiny. Back then, I still wouldn't wear shorts. I look at pictures of me then and think, "Jesus, I was gross skinny."  Now, I weigh about 30 pounds more, not exactly solid, a hell of a lot curvier and have never been happier. I drink beer when I want to, smoke on a regular basis and when I want a cheeseburger, I have it. I work out 5 days a week but I have no desire to look the way I used to. I feel sexier now than at any other point in my life...

I also don't care about money. I used to always want more of it and of course I still do, but for different reasons. Brand new car, big house, expensive clothes...none of that matters. What I want is enough to have a reliable car, a cute/small place to call home, comfortable clothing and the extra to travel/finish tattoos/beers on a Friday night/see my favorite bands.

When I was younger I was married, for many years, to someone who never deserved me. After my divorce I went crazy. Changed my entire view on love/life. I didn't need anyone. I never wanted a serious relationship again. I could do it all on my own. Now, being single the past four years and moving up here where I'm a lot more isolated than before, I realize having someone to rely on/share life with is exactly what I want. Doesn't mean I'm going to settle to just be with someone, but I am now open to the idea of  a committed relationship.

The other night I went with a friend to this get together.  I met these people who are "swingers" and it was so rad to see these people living life exactly how they want to. Not conforming to the conventional idea of a loving relationship but that shit isn't for me anymore. I will never be completely traditional and the person I end up with better be open to a good time but it's not a lifestyle I'll ever embrace the way these people do. I've already done all this craziness and now, I want something a little more "vanilla". Not boring. I don't think it is even possible for my sex life to ever be boring but....three or four people in a bed on a regular basis is just too much damn work. In my experience, it is usually better with just the two anyways.

I am still neurotic, offensive, oppinionated and independent. But when I'm out with friends I don't feel the need to shout my conversations about blow jobs so everyone around hears me. I'm not into shock value. I know exactly who I am and if someone wants to know about me, I'm happy to share, but I won't force it on them. I don't get fall down, slurring, pass out drunk anymore. It is unattractive and I can't handle the hangovers anymore. I talk about the weather, politics, family and life a lot more.

I love who I am now and who I am becoming.

So many things have changed the past few years and I was just sitting, thinking on all of it....

Running: Trading one self-medication for another.

 I've had a horrible couple of days. Since I was about 14 or 15 I have battled major depression. Not the, "I'm going to come home and cry today." kind of stuff. The, "I'm not getting out of bed except to use the restroom." kind of depression. The kind, that if not taken care of, leads to attempted and sometimes successful suicide. Thankfully, I haven't been successful and because of certain life experiences have promised myself to never, ever let it get that bad. Well, the past few days have been some of the worst in a very, very long time. There is absolutely no reason for it. There were triggers but in the grand scheme of things, my life has become extremely enjoyable majority of the time. I'm finally making friends, I have a freakin' amazing/phenomenal/beautiful/wonderful cousin who I can turn to because she knows exactly what I'm dealing with. I met a really nice/funny/sweet guy and although it might not end up as anything more than a great friendship, I'd be happy with that. I'm actually working towards my goals, exercising discipline and self-control I wasn't sure I had within me. But the past few days, they were bad. It started with just a random blue day. Okay, we all have them. What did I do to deal with it? I tried working out. Didn't really commit to it. So instead, I drank. I drank, smoked and dwelled. The next day I woke up in a worse mood than before. Had a shit day at work because that's what I expected, so that's what happened. Yesterday I continued the cycle because I'd drank the night before, not a ton but any is enough when I'm in this mental space and what happened? I ended up having a really sad/painful conversation with my mom about my father. I put myself to bed pretty early so I could be up for work and woke up at 2 a.m. dizzy, queasy and shaking. Ended up puking for about an hour. I tried to sleep it off and go to work but I was sitting at my desk trying not to vomit all over my keyboard. I have no idea why I was sick. I didn't drink even close to enough to make me sick. Maybe a 24 hour bug or maybe just how badly I was treating my body/mind/soul. So I left work after an hour and headed home. I've spent the entire day alternating between crying and being  pissed off. About everything. Life. How fucked up mine has been. How unfair it is. What did I do to deserve the shit that's been done to me? Blah blah blah....everyone has it rough. Mine might have been worse than someone else's but a hell of a lot better than another person's. It's all perspective.

Over the past 13 or so years I have recognized my gradual descent into the darkness and know how to pull myself out before it gets too bad. I completely gave up the past few days and was letting myself fall. Today the sound of my Booberry's voice was like nails on a chalk board. All of our animals were irritating the hell out of me. I couldn't get comfortable laying down or taking a nap. Everything felt wrong and there was a heavy feeling in the center of my chest. So I said, fuck that. I put on my running shoes, looked in the mirror and told myself not to come back to the house until I'd pounded all of that negative bullshit out onto the dirt under my feet. While I ran I imagined a black smoke flying out from under my every footfall and every exhale. The sky was full of thick, dark clouds, it was windy and I could feel the electricity in the air. I ran myself up hills as quickly as I could. I sprinted until I thought my lungs would explode. At one point I just stopped and cried. When I came back to the house I hugged my girl and apologized for being cranky/distant the last few days. I helped my mom with her dinner. Now I've sat and wrote this to just get it all out.

Changing a habit you've had since you were 13 is the hardest thing I've ever done but days like today, where instead of reaching for a bottle I just completely physically exhausted myself AND it worked, remind me to keep being a better version of myself. There is always something I can improve on. Being more patient, kind, loving, understanding, compassionate, productive and positive are/always will be on the list. That run reconnected me. Mind, body, soul, aligned and focused on moving forward. 99 out of 100 days there ain't much that can bring me down. But for that one day that gets me, I'll just run it out.

I know I have a great ass. Tell me something I don't know.

I was talking to someone I've known for more than half my life the other night and he said some things that surprised me. I'm not surprised by the generic statements, "You're beautiful", "You're funny" or "I love you". It's when someone pin points an odd tendency or neurotic behavior and expresses an appreciation for it, that shocks me. I feel as if I'm really being seen. Seen for the weird, obsessive, slight control freak that I am. Not only is it being seen but in someones eyes it's what makes me hot, what makes me attractive to them. (Not sure what that says about the other person...) Isn't that what we all want? To really be seen, not just by a significant other but by our friends and our family. To be loved, not in spite of, but because of all our quirks and random traits. I know that I'm an acquired taste. Like whiskey or bitter foods. It took me a long time to accept that not everyone is going to love me. As a matter of fact, I know I either piss off or irritate most people. That's okay because for every 10 people that can't stand me, there is one that loves the hell out of me. Took a long time to be okay with that. My ex-wife once wrote a list of about a hundred things she loved about me. It went from my toes to my sometimes snobby perspectives on people. She made me feel amazing. Not because she said how gorgeous I was or that she loved that I read books on a regular basis or that I had a great ass. She said she loved my short temper about random things that never seemed a big deal to her. Or how anxious I get when I'm trying to sleep/relax/watch something and there are people moving around. Things that I was upset at myself for she let me know were the things that made me...me, and that they were the reasons she loved me.

I want that again. To hear, "You're amazing" and know that it's not a direct reference to my appearance, my humor or intelligence but to me as a whole person. I'm not a romantic. I'm a realist. I know there is no "Prince Charming" but it would be cool to find a Prince "Charms my pants off and then makes me laugh".

So many people associate the word lonely with depression, desperation or being pathetic. I am none of those things. I'm happy. I laugh, live and have fun on a regular basis. But I am lonely. Not just for a romantic relationship but just connection in general. I'm still  productive and driven. Lonely is just another feeling mixed in with the rest of them.

I think my trip to CA just reminded me of what it was like to be around people that love me the way my friends do. Missing everyone already.