ADD Brain Outlet

Maybe it's just because I spend so much time alone. Becoming anti-social? I don't know.

Is it just me or are most people ridiculous? I find myself gravitating towards older people for friendship and conversation. I miss having long, rambling conversations with my friends about anything from cold cereal to the problems with our prison systems. Maybe I've just spoiled myself with all my experiences and now I expect so much more from people. Or maybe it's just where I'm living right now. One would think maybe I'd be a little more understanding considering so many of these people have rarely left the state. They haven't seen anything and all they know is this little "island" they live on. Even my own mother drives me crazy. Someone called her a feminist and she was offended. Offended!! She is a feminist! She's a strong, independent and self-sufficient woman who pioneered as a female law enforcement officer in a time when women weren't usually more than dispatchers. I guess I don't realize how different I am or that my mind processes and analyzes so differently than many of the people I'm surrounded by. There are moments I sit, talking with my mother and I realize, she's never been my mother. I've always been hers. I've always taken care of her. I'm still doing it. I find myself coaxing her through self-esteem building activities and trying to help her change her negative mindset. I sit and listen to these women I know talk about dating, sex and past relationships. Oh my god, shoot me. The illogical, ridiculously high expectations and odd amount of attachment to these asshole men, who just treat them like shit, amazes me. Or it's okay for them to have a drunken one night stand or five, but if some girl they know does it she's a slut. The worst though, is just how horribly mean these ladies are to one another for no reason. I miss my women. The amazing, intelligent, wonderful women I'm so blessed to know. And for that matter, the fantastic men I know. What is it with the men in this region thinking they're god's gift to women?? There hasn't been one guy that I've met that I'd consider dating. You live in Nevada!! You've never left the state!! You work in a mine!! You're 10 years behind fashion wise!! Get it together. And I'm not a 20 year old bimbo who you can give a couple beers and get into bed. Ask me on a fucking date, clean yourself up and for christ's sake, have something intelligent to say.

And work ethic!!! Am I the only person that goes to work...to work?? I shouldn't be trying to juggle 3 things at the same time while there's someone three feet away having a fucking conversation. Oh and, come to work! The only reason someone should call in is if they physically can't get out of bed or are incredibly contagious. And really? A two or three day notice to an already understaffed and stressed office? Now you're just an asshole. Be a goddamn professional, dress appropriately, use sick days when you're actually sick, give a decent notice and when you're at work...WORK. There are so many lazy people in the world and it makes people like me, nuts.

I don't feel that I'm superior (well, not that much anyways) or better than anybody else. Mostly I just get so frustrated because there's nobody for me to connect with. There's nobody to have a decent conversation with. There's nobody I can be completely myself with, without the fear of offending. I'm so worried about making one wrong move in this tiny town. Why I don't know...

I can't wait to get my debt paid off, buy a vehicle, finish my AA and find a school to transfer to...in another state. I've thought about moving back to CA but what would be the point? Although I have all these things I rant about, I actually love my domestic, calm, isolated life right now. It's helping me focus on really getting my shit together, for good. Being in Sac wasn't good for me or the goals I had. That's why I'm here. Maybe it's best that I don't care much for the people here. I've met a few lovely people and I'm happy to know them. But nothing's really developed. I guess it doesn't matter because the next year is going to be so busy, I won't have time for much of a social life.

I think I just needed to get some stuff out of my head and onto the screen. This ADD kills me.

Dedication.

When I have my own home...there will be a room where I can paint/draw/sit/write/etc. with no restrictions. I can get shitfaced. Smoke cigarettes. Do drugs. Whatever my heart desires and it won't matter because "that" will be my safe space. My escape.

I have been, what I would call, "overly emotional" all day. Which really means I've just been emotional. Putting on clothing that hasn't fit properly in over a year is a big deal for women. Appearance is a HUGE issue for us. We beat ourselves up on a regular basis over whether we're too thin, too fat...too whatever. I put on outfits I've wanted to wear but haven't had the nerve to and I cried. I cried because I wear a size 6. I cried because I have worked SO HARD to be that size. I cried because my worth, unfortunately, is directly related to my size. If I'm smaller I mean more. I cried because, ridiculously, I think if I'm thin, fit, "attractive" that someone will love me. Most ridiculous ideas ever, but they are what they are....

Then I made dinner, while Jamie was washing the dishes. I chatted with her the whole time. I laughed and danced and felt completely happy. That child doesn't give a shit what size I am, I'm her Anne Marie. I'm the one that enforces rules, dishes out punishment, sticks to my guns and loves her even when I'm angry with her. Supports all her decisions, helps practice spelling words and reads bedtime stories. I wash and condition her ridiculous amount of hair. I LOVE her.

After I tucked that kid in, I cracked a beer, went out on the back porch and lit a cigarette. Our family pet, Grizz, who we've had for 15+years, came over and laid his big ol' body on my legs/feet. (He's a chocolate lab/chow mix) All he wanted was a few pets and to keep me warm. I cried again. I cried because this animal. This, thing, this little life force that so many take for granted, loves the hell out of me without question. He has been my cuddle buddy, my body guard and my best friend for years. He's old and this may, quite possibly, be his last year with us. This dog has shown complete and total loyalty for YEARS.

What I'm trying to get at is, dedication. These pets, (We have many that we've had for a very long time.) and children, (we've also taken in many a stray child over the years) are completely dedicated to this, our family.

I sat and thought about my age tonight and it scared the hell out of me...I'm going to be 27 and what the fuck do I have to show for it??? Divorced, no biological children, never finished college and a whole hell of a lot of bad reputation gained over the years.

Then, I looked down at this dog, my buddy for so many years, still laying across my feet, still excited to get my attention, stiff with years, he still meets me at the gate every day when I get home from work....dedication. That's a fucking example. That's something to strive towards. Maybe I haven't done a lot in terms of career success but I've made a huge difference in some kids' lives. I've loved people that didn't deserve it but needed it. The people in my life that have helped me make it through the hard times will forever have my gratitude, my love and my dedication.

I'm a mess. I have my moments of insecurity, jealousy, etc. I stress out and make bad decisions. I'm human. But every day I will try to focus on being dedicated. To my family, myself and my future.

I might not be in the "coolest" place right now....but it's exactly where I'm supposed to be. Now I can't imagine NOT being here for Jamie's school functions, brother's life events and supporting my mom. Someone told me once that "family was a lame excuse" for not doing what I wanted to do. I think I didn't realize what I wanted to do until I was here with my family. I love traveling, I love learning, I want to see EVERYTHING...and I will. I'm ONLY 26 and I think I keep forgetting that. The world is always going to be there...my beloved pets, my kids, my friends and my family are not. They are definitely NOT the lamest excuse but the REASON I came back to the states and will stay for a long time.

Maybe I'll get married and have some babies. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll teach English in a random foreign country...maybe I won't. Maybe my life has been full and fantastic so far....maybe I should just slow down....or maybe I'll keep going full speed ahead.

All I know is I'm dedicated. To my family, my friends and myself. Fully, completely and without guidelines. If I say "I love you"...I mean it forever. There is absolutely nothing else I've ever done in my life that has been more important than loving someone. Especially those that haven't experienced the love they deserve. Life...it's hard, but it's so good.

April 5, 2004 Nostalgia

Tomorrow would've been 8 years married. We'd be working on our second baby. Helping our first two finish up high school. I'd be graduating college. We'd have gone on multiple family vacations. Celebrated our baby's first and second birthdays. Almost completed all the renovations we'd planned for the house. Finished remodeling the 61. Grown and changed and loved and fought. I've done some amazing things in my life before and since I took my vows but nothing compares to taking that leap. I've made a lot of plans for myself, for my life. But when this day comes around I feel as lost as the night we lost the baby and I lost her forever. I thought since we'd been through so much, there was nothing we couldn't get through. But I guess her being in love with someone else was one thing we just couldn't conquer. It wasn't perfect but it was my entire life for years. Her and the kids. I've distanced myself from them and from everything just to be able to move forward but there are two days a year that I get nostalgic. I get sad and lonely. I miss my family. I miss knowing someone loved me. I miss bringing her coffee in bed every morning. I miss waking the kids up for school. I miss Sunday breakfasts with Nicole in the kitchen with country playing. I miss bbqs with our friends. I miss my in-laws. I miss feeling like an incredibly intricate part of something and that my presence was key to someone's happiness. I miss not being alone every fucking minute of every fucking day. I miss having someone to rest my head on when my days are long. I miss not having to be strong...all the time. I miss her calling me to make sure she could buy that new entertainment system...even though she made twice as much as I did. I miss her hugs, her kisses, her cuddles and the intensity between us.

I don't miss being manipulated on a daily basis. Or never hearing the words "I'm sorry" or working full time, going to school full time, taking care of the kids and carrying her baby without a single thank you. I don't miss being unappreciated or always told everything that I wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the yelling or the hitting. I don't miss having her choose that worthless piece of shit over her wife of 5 years. I don't miss the miserable, stressed, depressed and unhappy person I was, especially at the end. I don't miss the kind of person I became and all the awful things I did to her, to my family or to myself. I don't miss how much my family hated her. I don't miss that life...but I miss parts of it.

My life is full, busy, loving, happy and a constant challenge. I'm a happy WOMAN. Not a sad girl anymore. Everything happens for a reason and I know everything we went through has prepared us for bigger things in our lives...but I wish we'd figured life out together, I wish I was watching my two kids grow up and I wish we were accomplishing all the things we set out to when we took those vows. I know she meant it as much as I did when I said "I do".