Single does not equal sad.

Sometimes I wonder if the ebb and flow of my desire for a relationship is really what I want or if it is what has been pushed upon me as a female my entire life. I wonder if the feeling of being complete without a partner is because I really am fine being single or if it is because I've been alone for so long, it is just what I'm accustom to. Am I staying single because I refuse to settle or because the thought of giving someone the opportunity to hurt me the way I've been hurt in the past is just too scary? My marriage destroyed me. Divorce made me feel like a failure. My friendships feed that need for closeness and when I want sex, I have it. I don't see the need for someone to call a boyfriend/girlfriend but then there are days where all I want is a person to share everything with, to depend on, to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it and someone to take care of. My friend Joey got it right when he designed my tattoo, the contradiction of my need to be free with my desire to be loved. As women we are told in advertisements, from our families, our friends, our teachers and our religious leaders that what we want, our purpose, our inevitable ending, is to be a wife, a mother. These messages are sent to us in all forms from the moment we are born. We are put in our gender roles and the brainwashing begins. From what colors are for girls and for boys, what toys we play with and even how we're supposed to sit in comparison to our male counterparts. Men, in comparison, are told that they are supposed to feel the need to be free, they're closely compared to animals, the rules regarding life are not the same for men. They are expected to "sow their wild oats" and settle down later. Living a single and promiscuous lifestyle is completely acceptable for men, in fact, many married men envy their single friends. When a woman is single and engages in a more sexually free lifestyle, she's pathetic, sad and is told their is something wrong with it. Her married/non-single friends take on an air of judgement and pitty. Why? My life is fun, fulfilling and a constant adventure. I have the kinds of goals that I have NEVER had before. My entire life, all I wanted or what I thought I wanted, was to get married and have children. Now, those goals take a backseat to traveling, going back to school, having a career I love and being the best person I possibly can be, on my own terms. For the first time in my life and I mean in my entire life, all 26 years, I feel like the world, my life, is just one endless possibility. I can do anything I want. That is a better feeling than any relationship has ever given me and I'm going to hold onto it, I'm going to fight for that feeling every day. One day there will be someone that knows I'm too good to let go and until then, I'll continue loving my sexy single life.

Interviewing myself.

I did this interview with my friend about a week ago. One of my friends told me I should do the interview and put MY answers in. So here it is, my interview with myself...

1. How long did you identify as a lesbian?
I started sleeping with females when I was 14 and came out when I was 16. So between 8-10 years.

2. How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to date men?
The first year after my divorce I tried seeing a couple different women. It was stupid because I was definitely not ready to date. My divorce and the six months leading up to it was horrendous. There was no way to bounce back from it. The summer after, I had a random, drunken one night stand with a guy, which turned into a weekend of hanging out and sleeping together, which turned into us keeping in touch (he lived out of state). At first I freaked out, we eventually just became friends and I continued to identify as a lesbian. It wasn't until I met my first boyfriend that I actually considered dating men. He was seriously the nicest guy I had ever met and was super hot. So, I just went with it.

3. What was it like dating a man?
Different, very different. With women it's so emotional and it moves so quickly. I wasn't used to things moving so slow. With a woman it's totally normal to move in together after a couple months. After a couple months we still weren't an official couple. It was exactly what I needed though. We were completely open about everything. I told him I had never dated a man, as an adult woman so I didn't know what was acceptable and what wasn't. I kept it completely honest and straight forward. That worked initially but in the end ruined our relationship. I learned that dating man can be just like dating a woman. There are men with ridiculous insecurity, trust issues and that love the dramatic parts of a relationship. Those things were what I was trying to get away from.

4. Are there similarities between dating a man and a woman?
It depends on the guy that you date. I think that a lot of men are way more insecure and emotional than they would like to admit. The issue with me and dating in general is that I don't deal well with insecurity or overly emotional people. I believe in a relationship, it's okay to have that jealous moment once in awhile or to worry for a day about whether your partner really wants to be with you but when it becomes a constant thing, I don't have the patience. Both women and men can be that way. On the other hand, I get along better with men most of the time and they generally enjoy doing the types of things I find enjoyable. I like it simple and basic. Beers and a campfire. Hiking and a picnic. The gun range and a BBQ. Cooking dinner together and having some wine. All easy things. Even as friends, I usually enjoy hanging out with guys more than girls, usually.

5. Do you now have a gender preference?
I would say that I lean more towards men than women. I haven't had a longterm relationship with a man yet and that's still something I want to explore. I wouldn't be opposed to dating a woman but she would have to be extremely special for me to make that effort. Women scare the shit out of me to be honest. They're nuts.

6. What was it like having sex with a man for the first time in so many years?
Honestly, the first couple of times I was DRUNK. I had way too many mental blocks to actually, soberly have sex with a guy. But when I started dating my first boyfriend, it was nice. It was good. And as time has gone on and I've become very comfortable with my sexuality, the sex with men has become...fantastic. I will say that between the men and the women I've slept with, men are less passionate, less sensual. Sex with a woman, even when it's a one night stand, involves a lot more than just the fucking. Plus, being a woman, I'm more comfortable with my body around women than men, which adds to the overall fun of the sex.

7. What do you look for in a potential partner?
A best friend that I am sexually attracted to. I want to be with someone that I genuinely enjoy spending time with, they have to be a little country, eventually want kids and they have to love to travel. Someone who would consider living outside of the U.S. is a plus. And honestly, they can't have had that perfect childhood and life. Anyone I've tried to date like that does not understand me at all.

8. How did your friends/family respond?
It took my mom a very long time to be okay with me being a lesbian. About 7 years, so to then throw it at her that I was dating men I'm sure she was a little pissed I made her go through all that. She was happy. I know that she always has wanted me to be straight (not that I am now by any means). My brother had the best reaction, "I like that you're dating men now. Because now, when they fuck up, I can come down and beat their ass." I love my little brother. My sister, said she always knew I was a breeder. No surprise, we don't speak anymore. A lot of my friends were really supportive. There were a few that felt a little betrayed and were rude about it. I ran into a couple that I had known for years when I was out with my boyfriend, introduced them and they were just so unfriendly. One kept saying to her wife, "No, Anne has a boyfriend, like with a penis. Oh my god." Now, a couple years later, everyone is fine with it.

9. Any comments or advice for adult women barely entering the heterosexual dating scene?
Don't try to be anybody other than yourself. Lesbians are completely different from straight women and it's hard to find a straight man who likes the kind of women we are. But eventually, hopefully, we'll all find someone, woman or man.

End of the road.

Some of my entries make it seem like I'm ALWAYS having sex. On the contrary, I don't have sex all that often, just when I want it.

You know what hardly ever happens for me? Genuinely liking a person and having an interest in dating them. It's rare that I find that perfect combination of intelligence, gentleman and asshole (someone that can give me just as much shit as I give them) in one person. Plus great sex? What? Let alone finding someone who thinks I'm a gem and tells me so.

I never get emotionally involved. It's just supposed to be sex. Now I have to take the sex off the table. I'm a magnet for the unavailable. (Don't get all therapist on me, I know I attract unavailable because I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm not an idiot.) He's just as fucked up as I am and that's why it works. We're friends before anything else and I don't want to ruin a friendship I enjoy so much. I just wish he wasn't so close to my ideal.

When I want it.

Waiting on a "friend" to come over and I started to get all uptight. About my body, my status, my everything. Whoa! No. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, fun woman who is anything but boring to fuck. It's so frustrating not being able to block out these negative messages that have been fed to me my whole life. No, I'm not a super model. I'm short and curvy. Practically midget status with a huge ass. Never heard a complaint about it but still I find myself comparing my body to all the waif like women, which, are beautiful as well, just different.

And there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I have no attachments. I am single and free to do what I please. Quite frankly, rubbing one out only satisfies for so long. Eventually I need to have a good fuck and hopefully a good laugh to accompany it. I think the word promiscuous is used so negatively. Yes, I am promiscuous. I don't limit myself in the sex department. Men. Women. It all feels good and every partner brings something different to the table. It doesn't mean I'm not safe or I put myself in danger. I want to own that word. I want to wear it. I want to use it as a strong, positive description for my happy, healthy sex life. Sometimes I think that people who use the words slut, whore, promiscuous, skank in a negative fashion are just pissed off that they either don't have the options I have or don't allow themselves. Get laid. It'll relax you. Stress, anger, pain...it'll melt away. Orgasms cure all.

Sexual Evolution

It's funny how we evolve over the years. All these different facets of ourselves change and shift. We gain or lose weight, change styles, attitudes are altered and goals are switched. What I'm going to focus on is my own personal sexual evolution. It's been the subject of scrutiny for awhile now. From people I've never even met calling me a slut to my closest friends putting in their two cents. But, they're my choices and why does anyone else have the right to judge what I do?

I'll break it down like this. Sex is fun. Sex feels good. People should have sex. Nobody should be made to feel negatively about what is a natural and enjoyable part of life. Sex is not strictly for relationships. Sometimes, what I need, is a good, fun fuck. No breakfast in the morning. No cuddling. Let's just get off and get on with life. Fucking is also not just for men. I am a woman with the sex drive of a teenage boy. I want it almost anytime and I'm not ashamed of my needs. Having said that, here's my history.

I lost my virginity when I was 13 to my first boyfriend. I lost my lesbian virginity when I was 14 to my best friend. My entire childhood sex, masturbation or anything related to those two things was made out as dirty and a sin. This started my lifetime of struggling with negative feelings regarding sex. As a teenager and young adult I used sex in a manipulative way. Either to manipulate others or myself. It wasn't until I was divorced that I really explored every aspect of my sexuality. This led to dating/sleeping with men and that opened up a whole new world of guilt for me. I was betraying my lesbian identity and community. I was a slut, whore, promiscuous...whatever.

Over the past three years I've come to some conclusions. One, I will do whatever I want to, regardless of society's ideas of what is acceptable behavior. Two, as long as I'm not intentionally hurting anyone everything is okay. Three, a sexually frustrated Anne Marie is a bitchy one and nobody likes me when I'm frustrated, sexually or otherwise. Four, random one night stands are not for me, but, sex with my good friends is my favorite. It can't be completely void of connection, I have to actually like the person to have sex with them. I'm not trying to fill any emotional void, I'm trying to feel physically good and release some aggression. I am not the typical female.

My last little stage of evolution is realizing that not everyone is going to be accepting or understanding of my views when it comes to sex. I have lost the interest of people because of my perspective or my brutal honesty. Call me a slut, a whore or whatever your choice word may be. The only difference between me and most women is that I'm not ashamed nor do I hide who I am and what I do. I'm not a bad person, on the contrary, I'm actually a really good person with a big heart and lots of compassion. I just keep it real. Love me or...leave me.

Two Peas in a Pod

This is my interview with my friend of almost eleven years. We both were out in the lesbian community at the same time in Fresno and have remained friends over the years. A couple years ago I started dating men. It was new, scary territory for me and none of my other lesbian friends had started dating men yet (it's become a trend, there are at least three other lesbians I've known for years that have started dating men). Tina just recently over the summer started dating a guy, it didn't work out but she did gain some experience. I wanted to get her perspective on the whole situation because being a lesbian dating men is completely different than two heterosexual people dating. Tina and I are very similar women, we want the same things, we're both Taurus women and we've both had some extremely painful relationship experiences. I understand why she is exploring the idea of dating men instead of women....

1. How long did you identify as a lesbian?

1999 to 2011...so 12 years, came out when I was 19.

2. How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to date men?

It started before my last lesbian relationship. My mom was telling me that it's not working out with women, maybe I'm not finding the right person, maybe I needed man to take care of us. Thought about it, told my mom no way. My mom said just be open, consider it. First time I made out with a guy since Dylan was born, was 2 years ago, old co-worker when we went and had drinks. Then had a date and I went home with him. It was very confusing for me, he got back with his gf and I didn't have time to process. Then I had a one year relationship with a crazy alcoholic woman that ended horribly. After we broke up I went out for 2nd Saturday and this guy turns around and starts talking to me. He asked me "What do you do?" Etc. Just started a conversation and after 5 minutes he asked or my number. I wasn't used to getting hit on by guys and it was weird. Kinda freaked out, "Did I give him my number???" I turned him down over and over but he didn't stop. We met up finally, had drinks, went back to his place and slept together. Aftwards I freaked out and ran down the street crying.

3. What was it like dating a man?

It was great. I actually felt secure, happy and protected. He was bigger, taller and stronger. He could just pick me up and toss me around. It was nice to be guided and protected. With women it was always 50/50. He wanted to do things for me. It's something I've never experienced before.

4. Are there similarities between dating men and women? No, I can only speak for me but I can say it was completely different. How we were together, where we went, what we did, the sex, it was all different.

5. Do you now have a gender preference? That's a tough one. I honestly don't know if I can answer that right now because I'm still a little stuck on that one guy. Until I meet another guy and try to date him I won't know if it was just him or his gender. I definitely want to try it again. But then there are some girls that I think are cute too. I can honestly say, over the summer, I could have seen myself having a life with that person, falling in love and having a family, without looking back. I could see the future, I don't think I would have regretted it.

6. What was it like having sex with a man for the first time in so many years? Honestly, the first couple of times I was completely intoxicated. After a couple times, as we continued to date, the sex was amazing! It was amazing. I don't think I've had that many orgasms in my life.

7. What do you look for in a potential partner? There has to be attraction, I do prefer the dark features. Dark hair, light eyes. Right now, I'm looking for someone who wants to have a family with me. I already have a teenager and I'm open to having another baby. It's been just my son and I for so long by ourselves that I would like the stability. Laughter in the house, combined families and big holidays. I'm tired of small, I want big. Of course I need chemistry and great sex. I don't care about the money, cars or expensive things. I just want to be happy and have a family.

8. How did your friends/family respond? My mom was ecstatic. My son was cool, whatever makes you happy. My close friends were very accepting. His friends were very accepting, I'm sure the guys had a few jokes when I wasn't around. Then there were a few aquaintances and ex's friends that I ran into when we were together, they actually weren't very nice. They were rude, yelling, saying "Tina, who are you with??" Made me feel very small. He just took my hand and said, "Are you ok?" My ex had a huge fit. She had a lot of mean things to say, like I just wanted dick and for someone to pay for everything. Not very nice at all.

9. Any comments or advice for adult women barely entering the heterosexual dating scene? I can't really say that I'm one to give advice but I'm still trying to figure my ways. Just be open and see what happens, if I hadn't had my mom telling me that I might not have. Unfortunately, nothing is forever, if you find that you're with someone or doing something you don't like, you can always go back. But....just know that whether it's a man or a woman, it could always end in heartache. (Wow super positive Tina.)

"Nice" Guys Finish Last

"If a man is over 30 and still single you need to spend 6 more months getting to know him. If there's a good man, there are girls like us who will swoop him up, good men don't make it past 30 single. Guaranteed, if a man is over 30 and single, there's some major flaws."

Words of wisdom from one of my favorite people. I was seeing someone who I thought was a really nice guy. He was intelligent, funny, sweet and we had a lot of similar interests. He would say things like, "I'm enjoying taking my time getting to know you." and we never slept together, thankfully. I recently found out that he had been sleeping with not one, but two of my friends. One girl he was completely aware of our friendship and continued to pursue both of us, not letting either of us know so we could make the decision to be involved or not. This morning I was told that he had been sleeping with one of my other friends! You would think, if you're going to get it in, maybe stay out of the same group of women, although we all are pretty rad. (Yes, in Sacramento, most of us heavily tattooed girls know each other and hang out.) It would've been one thing if he had been completely honest with each one of us. Hey, you just want to get laid? I get it. I'm a woman with the sex drive and perversions of a 16 year old boy. I do what I want, when I want. No judgement here, but, do not play the "nice" guy who is genuinely interested in dating and "getting to know" me. Don't say sweet things or tell women how much you like them if all you want to do is fuck. I have a lot more respect for a man/woman who can be brutally honest. "Hey, I don't want to date you but I think you're hot. Let's fuck?" That is way more acceptable than the games or false interest. I'm the kind of woman who, if someone is going to play games, lie or basically just be an asshole, I can detach pretty easily. I'm more upset with my friend getting her feelings hurt.

Back to my friend's advice. This guy is in his late thirties and obviously, still single. I don't know if it's completely true that a man over 30 is damaged goods or that they should be avoided. There are plenty of men my age that are fucked up. I guess I thought that dating an older man would be less drama because of my previous experience (he was 45, I was 25...no, it didn't work out but there were no games or drama). I guess what it is, is that older men have more time to perfect their game and polish their lines. Not one but three women were fooled into thinking this guy was one of the "nice" ones and to fool a cynical/suspicious woman such as myself is quite an accomplishment. Well done, asshole.

P.S. I'm not saying women aren't fucked up or have issues. There are plenty of women who are not all sunshine and rainbows to be with. But...who hurt her to make her that way? I've had more than my fair share of hell to deal with since birth but I don't take it out on other people, cheat, lie or abuse the ones I love. I just love my booze and my good times, it doesn't hurt anybody but me (and most of the time it's a good hurt).

And here we go...

I have spent the last couple of years exploring who and what I am. I divorced my wife of five years three years ago and since then I've gotten to know myself. There was a lot I found out I liked about myself and there was a lot I discovered I didn't like at all. One thing I discovered was, I'm not gender specific. This came as a shock to quite a few of my gay friends AND my straight friends. It has been confusing, crazy and hilarious. I thought for sure when I started dating men it would be much easier because I assumed men weren't as emotional (insane) as women tend to be. I was wrong. So wrong. The first man I dated after TEN years of only sleeping with/dating women, was essentially, just like many of the women I had dated. Emotional, possessive, jealous and insecure. Um, no thanks. Being the independent and sometimes unemotional woman that I am, that just doesn't work. Then there was the emotionally unavailable jerk who would constantly play the push/pull games. Then there were the numerous men who of course are only interested in one thing. I'm starting to wonder where the "normal" men/women are. I consider myself a pretty good catch. Not jealous, possessive or insecure. I like my alone time as much as anybody else. Friend time is extremely important to me and typically my friends come first (they are my family). I like to get dirty and I love to be outdoors. Drinking beer and bullshitting is one of my favorite activities. I hear men say all the time they want a down to earth, fun girl but when they have a shot at it, they choose the crazy ones. The women that throw fits when they want to have a guys night or won't allow them to have female friends. Ok, the woman is hot and probably great in bed, but is that long term potential? Is that someone you really want to spend your time with? We all have our moments of crazy, men and women alike (especially when alcohol is involved) but when it's on a consistent basis I would think that would get old pretty quick. The past two years of dating men has been extremely interesting, frustrating and very fun. This was just a quick introduction and stick with me, I'll get more organized with my writing as I post more. This is my first blog but I have material for days. Expect a lot on love, marriage, dating and sex. <3