This roller coaster

It's weird how accustom I have become with being alone. I miss my friends, my loved ones and my familiar cities/towns....I also find myself shying away from superficial interaction. It doesn't seem worth it to spend the time if I'm left feeling empty or bored. Why not spend that time reading, listening to my favorite music (which is like spending time with family) and planning my little family's future? I don't even enjoy watching TV/movies the way I used to. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. I've become a hermit over the last year and especially since the pregnancy. Everything has shifted. I also just don't have the social circle up here that I have in California...which I greatly miss. More often than not I find myself turning off the TV or putting down the book just so I can sit quietly with my thoughts.  It has become more of a desire to have my hand held or arms around me than to have a conversation. I've always been an island. Too independent, too proud and too hard. It is extremely hard to try to continue that way in this situation. Now what helps the most is an arm around my shoulders...unfortunately there isn't anyone here who hugs me and takes it all away or anyone I would let that close. Those people have been few and far between in my life. I feel like I'm losing my brother, who is my best friend up here. My mom is, as usual, overwhelmed with her own life. She tries but I always end up feeling more in charge of her best interest than the other way around. Being single and pregnant has been so much harder than I thought it would be...I am tough, I can handle whatever comes my way because there is no other choice...but there are so many changes, so many things happening within me and to me...he isn't here to share it with and we aren't in a relationship...even if we were, relying on someone for support has never been my strength. He wants to be there, he tells me to call when I'm having a hard time, to ask for help...but I can't. I can't have him thinking I can't do this because I can. What would I say anyways?? "I'm scared. Of what? I don't know. Everything? Myself? Life? Our child?"

On top of all the loneliness/isolation/hiding...I have never been more...um...hormonal. Ha. I thought I had a sex drive before....and of course, I'm single. Sometimes it feels as if I'm starving. I crave physical contact more than I ever have before. It is practically torture. Now add in emotional starvation, no intelligent interaction and the freezing goddamn weather (which means I can't even go out for a walk/hike to ease some tension) and that makes for a cranky, sad, overwhelmed, stressed out woman.

I'm ready to run away....this place isn't for me.

With all that off my chest....here comes 2013. The year my entire life changes forever. At the end of May I will be 28 and welcoming my first child into this strange world. The past 5 years is a blur of mistakes, challenges, triumphs, change and some of the most amazing experiences. I feel the last couple of years have led me up to this. I had my big year. 2011, quit both my jobs, got rid of all my security, moved across the world, came back and started over in practically a foreign country (Wells, NV), got to know myself like I never have. Met someone who made me question everything I had decided about life and myself. And every time he walked out of my life or I kicked him out, I knew that wasn't the end...now here we are. He is my best friend and the father of this little being growing inside me. All the mistakes I've made the past couple years are all biting me in the ass as I try to prepare for this baby but they are things I learned before being a mommy, mistakes I'll never make again. I spent the last year up here slowing down...I guess I should've known this was coming...I never thought I'd slow down. Four years ago when I lost my first baby, I knew it wasn't the right time and I remember saying one night, not now, not right now. I feel like my child has returned to me, knowing that this is a much better space to enter. I am ready and welcome this huge shift in my life, focus and future.

Bring it 2013. This won't be easy. It's not the way I planned it. But when have I ever done anything the "right" way?

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Oh how life changes in such a short period of time...

I just entered my second trimester of pregnancy. Just 3 months ago I thought my life was on a completely different path and now...I'm anxiously awaiting and preparing for the arrival of my first child. This was completely unexpected and far from planned.

Thinking back on the last four years of life it seems that everything has been leading me to this point. The opportunities I've taken, the mistakes I've made, the relationships that didn't work out. Especially over the last two years. I lived in another country for 6 months. It was like my last big thing before my life became completely about this little being. I moved to the middle of nowhere, completely isolated myself, got in better shape than I've been in in years, learned to stay home on the weekends, not drink every day, reconnect with my family and become peaceful once again. And then I was given this beautiful gift and if it had happened a year ago I might have completely freaked out but now...it just seems so right.

I don't think I've ever felt sexier. I love my body and what it is doing. I forgive myself for not being a size 2 or a little bit taller because my body is so perfect as it is and with what it is doing. You would think that being pregnant would make you feel awful and believe me, the first trimester was a real test for me but the past few weeks have just gotten better and better. Like I said, I've never ever felt more sexy. My body and I are freakin' awesome.

Not to say it doesn't come with some negative...

I thought I had dealt with my anger towards my mother for the hell she has put me through my entire life but evidently not. Once again I've been reminded that my mother, isn't a mother. She isn't excited about being a grandmother, she hasn't bought one thing for my baby, she doesn't ask if I've thought of names or what I want or if I'm scared or...anything. She is angry at me for not asking for her help but if I do she gives me a guilt trip. Nothing I do is good enough, I can't handle things to her liking and I am most definitely a disappointment. I could never live up to the amazing person my little brother is. Her baby. Her favorite. I had forgotten why I'd lived so far away for so long...oh how I remember now. My friends are my real family. My mother knows nothing of unconditional love, sacrifice without holding it over someone's head or nurturing a person in general. My entire family, mom and dad's side are a bunch of judgmental, cold, ignorant, manipulative people and I have been so much happier without them for a long time. I don't know why I wanted to get myself all caught up in this bullshit once again.
Okay, not all my family, my Aunt and cousins, especially my cousin Stephanie, are amazing and without them, I would've moved away already. My brother, he will always be number one to me, even if he barely speaks to me now. Maybe he'll miss me when I'm gone...

I will be seeking out counseling to deal with my mother before my child arrives. There is no way I will bring that poor baby into this bullshit. And once we're used to each other, the three of us (Tim, baby and I) will be moving far away. I don't want to raise my child here and I would like to be closer to my friends or at least somewhere they actually want to visit. I can't be the one traveling all the time to see them.

In short...whoa. I don't feel ready at all but completely prepared all at the same time. I feel really rusty writing so I'll be doing it more to get used to it again. This doesn't flow at all....

Loving it.

It's weird the things that change and what you realize as you get older.

I don't think I've ever felt better in my skin. When I was 20 years old I worked out 3 times a day, never drank, never smoked, no drugs, was vegetarian. I weighed about 110-115 lbs. I was solid and tiny. Back then, I still wouldn't wear shorts. I look at pictures of me then and think, "Jesus, I was gross skinny."  Now, I weigh about 30 pounds more, not exactly solid, a hell of a lot curvier and have never been happier. I drink beer when I want to, smoke on a regular basis and when I want a cheeseburger, I have it. I work out 5 days a week but I have no desire to look the way I used to. I feel sexier now than at any other point in my life...

I also don't care about money. I used to always want more of it and of course I still do, but for different reasons. Brand new car, big house, expensive clothes...none of that matters. What I want is enough to have a reliable car, a cute/small place to call home, comfortable clothing and the extra to travel/finish tattoos/beers on a Friday night/see my favorite bands.

When I was younger I was married, for many years, to someone who never deserved me. After my divorce I went crazy. Changed my entire view on love/life. I didn't need anyone. I never wanted a serious relationship again. I could do it all on my own. Now, being single the past four years and moving up here where I'm a lot more isolated than before, I realize having someone to rely on/share life with is exactly what I want. Doesn't mean I'm going to settle to just be with someone, but I am now open to the idea of  a committed relationship.

The other night I went with a friend to this get together.  I met these people who are "swingers" and it was so rad to see these people living life exactly how they want to. Not conforming to the conventional idea of a loving relationship but that shit isn't for me anymore. I will never be completely traditional and the person I end up with better be open to a good time but it's not a lifestyle I'll ever embrace the way these people do. I've already done all this craziness and now, I want something a little more "vanilla". Not boring. I don't think it is even possible for my sex life to ever be boring but....three or four people in a bed on a regular basis is just too much damn work. In my experience, it is usually better with just the two anyways.

I am still neurotic, offensive, oppinionated and independent. But when I'm out with friends I don't feel the need to shout my conversations about blow jobs so everyone around hears me. I'm not into shock value. I know exactly who I am and if someone wants to know about me, I'm happy to share, but I won't force it on them. I don't get fall down, slurring, pass out drunk anymore. It is unattractive and I can't handle the hangovers anymore. I talk about the weather, politics, family and life a lot more.

I love who I am now and who I am becoming.

So many things have changed the past few years and I was just sitting, thinking on all of it....

Running: Trading one self-medication for another.

 I've had a horrible couple of days. Since I was about 14 or 15 I have battled major depression. Not the, "I'm going to come home and cry today." kind of stuff. The, "I'm not getting out of bed except to use the restroom." kind of depression. The kind, that if not taken care of, leads to attempted and sometimes successful suicide. Thankfully, I haven't been successful and because of certain life experiences have promised myself to never, ever let it get that bad. Well, the past few days have been some of the worst in a very, very long time. There is absolutely no reason for it. There were triggers but in the grand scheme of things, my life has become extremely enjoyable majority of the time. I'm finally making friends, I have a freakin' amazing/phenomenal/beautiful/wonderful cousin who I can turn to because she knows exactly what I'm dealing with. I met a really nice/funny/sweet guy and although it might not end up as anything more than a great friendship, I'd be happy with that. I'm actually working towards my goals, exercising discipline and self-control I wasn't sure I had within me. But the past few days, they were bad. It started with just a random blue day. Okay, we all have them. What did I do to deal with it? I tried working out. Didn't really commit to it. So instead, I drank. I drank, smoked and dwelled. The next day I woke up in a worse mood than before. Had a shit day at work because that's what I expected, so that's what happened. Yesterday I continued the cycle because I'd drank the night before, not a ton but any is enough when I'm in this mental space and what happened? I ended up having a really sad/painful conversation with my mom about my father. I put myself to bed pretty early so I could be up for work and woke up at 2 a.m. dizzy, queasy and shaking. Ended up puking for about an hour. I tried to sleep it off and go to work but I was sitting at my desk trying not to vomit all over my keyboard. I have no idea why I was sick. I didn't drink even close to enough to make me sick. Maybe a 24 hour bug or maybe just how badly I was treating my body/mind/soul. So I left work after an hour and headed home. I've spent the entire day alternating between crying and being  pissed off. About everything. Life. How fucked up mine has been. How unfair it is. What did I do to deserve the shit that's been done to me? Blah blah blah....everyone has it rough. Mine might have been worse than someone else's but a hell of a lot better than another person's. It's all perspective.

Over the past 13 or so years I have recognized my gradual descent into the darkness and know how to pull myself out before it gets too bad. I completely gave up the past few days and was letting myself fall. Today the sound of my Booberry's voice was like nails on a chalk board. All of our animals were irritating the hell out of me. I couldn't get comfortable laying down or taking a nap. Everything felt wrong and there was a heavy feeling in the center of my chest. So I said, fuck that. I put on my running shoes, looked in the mirror and told myself not to come back to the house until I'd pounded all of that negative bullshit out onto the dirt under my feet. While I ran I imagined a black smoke flying out from under my every footfall and every exhale. The sky was full of thick, dark clouds, it was windy and I could feel the electricity in the air. I ran myself up hills as quickly as I could. I sprinted until I thought my lungs would explode. At one point I just stopped and cried. When I came back to the house I hugged my girl and apologized for being cranky/distant the last few days. I helped my mom with her dinner. Now I've sat and wrote this to just get it all out.

Changing a habit you've had since you were 13 is the hardest thing I've ever done but days like today, where instead of reaching for a bottle I just completely physically exhausted myself AND it worked, remind me to keep being a better version of myself. There is always something I can improve on. Being more patient, kind, loving, understanding, compassionate, productive and positive are/always will be on the list. That run reconnected me. Mind, body, soul, aligned and focused on moving forward. 99 out of 100 days there ain't much that can bring me down. But for that one day that gets me, I'll just run it out.

I know I have a great ass. Tell me something I don't know.

I was talking to someone I've known for more than half my life the other night and he said some things that surprised me. I'm not surprised by the generic statements, "You're beautiful", "You're funny" or "I love you". It's when someone pin points an odd tendency or neurotic behavior and expresses an appreciation for it, that shocks me. I feel as if I'm really being seen. Seen for the weird, obsessive, slight control freak that I am. Not only is it being seen but in someones eyes it's what makes me hot, what makes me attractive to them. (Not sure what that says about the other person...) Isn't that what we all want? To really be seen, not just by a significant other but by our friends and our family. To be loved, not in spite of, but because of all our quirks and random traits. I know that I'm an acquired taste. Like whiskey or bitter foods. It took me a long time to accept that not everyone is going to love me. As a matter of fact, I know I either piss off or irritate most people. That's okay because for every 10 people that can't stand me, there is one that loves the hell out of me. Took a long time to be okay with that. My ex-wife once wrote a list of about a hundred things she loved about me. It went from my toes to my sometimes snobby perspectives on people. She made me feel amazing. Not because she said how gorgeous I was or that she loved that I read books on a regular basis or that I had a great ass. She said she loved my short temper about random things that never seemed a big deal to her. Or how anxious I get when I'm trying to sleep/relax/watch something and there are people moving around. Things that I was upset at myself for she let me know were the things that made me...me, and that they were the reasons she loved me.

I want that again. To hear, "You're amazing" and know that it's not a direct reference to my appearance, my humor or intelligence but to me as a whole person. I'm not a romantic. I'm a realist. I know there is no "Prince Charming" but it would be cool to find a Prince "Charms my pants off and then makes me laugh".

So many people associate the word lonely with depression, desperation or being pathetic. I am none of those things. I'm happy. I laugh, live and have fun on a regular basis. But I am lonely. Not just for a romantic relationship but just connection in general. I'm still  productive and driven. Lonely is just another feeling mixed in with the rest of them.

I think my trip to CA just reminded me of what it was like to be around people that love me the way my friends do. Missing everyone already.

I Need Space. I Need Quiet.

Yesterday I got to have the whole day to myself. Well, not really to myself, I had the 6 year old with me but there was no brother making messes, no mom making everything, and I mean everything, chaotic. I love and am grateful for my mother but living with her is one of the greatest tests of my adulthood. It's like living with a 5 year old that has extreme emotional outbursts, temper tantrums and mood swings. She is not balanced at all and knows no other way to live except by extremes. One moment she's a raging bitch and the next she's sugar sweet. More often than not it's the angry, moody and mean personality we get. We butt heads constantly because, quite frankly, I'm better at managing a house and raising a kid than she is. She constantly overwhelms herself with things she doesn't need to have or do. While completely ignoring things she NEEDS to focus on. Like regular exercise, healthy emotional/mental behavior, patience and consistency. The only thing she's consistent with is drama. I've never met anyone else so dead set on being unhappy. It's sad and frustrating. I've always taken care of my mom. My nickname among my friends IS mom. I take care of everyone. People come to me for advice and comfort. I have a couple of friends that are MY rock when I need them, unfortunately they live across the world from me and sadly, I feel a great distance between us right now. I know it's not forever and that my life is supposed to be solitary right now but I still miss feeling close. Straying from the point....

I need my own space. So far in my life, whenever I've lived on my own, without a partner/parent, it's been in a chaotic, unbalanced state. I went from living at home with a controlling, abusive mother to being married to a controlling, abusive spouse. The few short moments in between all that and in the midst of it all where I was responsible for myself, I lived in a state of youthful indulgence. No structure what-so-ever. That's not what I want anymore. Never again will I live in, to be blunt, filth. My duplex in Sac was horrifying. All we ever did was go out, party and recover at home. We never put any effort into our home. It was a bachelor pad. Horrible. I look back now and just can't believe I let it be that way. On that note, I can't believe how much I used to drink. Seriously, drunk, every night. I think I was constantly hungover at work. I smoked so much in comparison to now. Ugh. I was so unhealthy. I never worked out. I never had hobbies. I never wrote or read or went hiking or baked or...anything, besides drink and make terrible decisions. I seriously cannot imagine my life like that anymore. I love working out. I love eating healthy. I love having a few beers, feeling good and STOPPING before I get completely out of control. I love spending my weekends making budgets, paying bills, planning trips, researching vehicles and just generally being responsible. I like that I'm someone my brother looks up to instead of worries about.

The whole point is, I'm ready to have my own space and be a real adult. Maybe I'm never going to feel like an adult. Maybe I'll always feel like I'm fifteen inside. But I know that I can't take anymore steps backward. Only forward. I know that so many of my friends have been doing these routine things for years. But for me, I've done so many very adult things that set me apart from most people my age and at the same time, I've been stuck in a very childish state when it comes to things like finances, self-control, etc. I went from being controlled by my mother to being controlled by my spouse and it wasn't until I was 23/24 that I was completely in charge of myself. The first couple of years were super rough and the past year it's been about smoothing it all out, getting back to good. Now here I am. Ready to buy my first car, all by myself. Wanting my own place again. Finally having the confidence/self-esteem to go back to school. It feels good and scary as shit all at the same time.

Just thinking about all of this...
My mom was home all day today, I've been really sick and all I want is peace, quiet and to relax. It's basically impossible with her around. I couldn't help but repeat over and over today, "I need my own place." Then I've been talking to this guy and we've been on one date. Haven't even kissed yet but he's stayed interested. He's like a real person. He didn't try to shove his tongue down my throat on the first date and I was worried I'd done something wrong, but he's consistently kept in contact. Almost every day. He called me on my birthday and sang to me. We're texting as I write this. Someone actually interested in me?? He even dropped in on me at work without notice. I was soooo awkward and he still wants to see me again. It's weird. And completely freaks me out. When it comes to relationships, I worry a lot about whether that person is going to fuck me over or not but mostly I worry about what I'm going to do. My ex told me that I don't know how to love people. That I'm fucked up and I'm never going to have anything meaningful. I made a lot of mistakes in the 5 years we were married. I am scared to death I'm going to be a complete failure when it comes to romantic relationships. I avoid them. But I'm not satisfied with meaningless sexual relationships anymore. I want more now and that means I have do give this whole dating thing a serious go 'round again.

Feels like a lot has changed and a lot is changing. Not always easy to process. I've become accustom to viewing myself in a particular fashion for a number of years (my entire life basically) that it's odd to expect more, not only for myself but FROM myself. Whoa.

Running In Place

Stuck in the middle. That's how I feel. It is a reoccuring issue with me. A fight within myself. I have this incredible desire to put some roots down...somewhere, but I don't know where yet. I'd like to have a relationship, but only the kind I want. At the same time there's so much I have/want to do that I don't see a relationship as an option. Then I see my friends from all over the world, all the things they're doing and places they're going....what am I doing here? Why am I trying to buy a car? Should I actually go back to college and finish? Or should I just go? Teach English somewhere random and forget everything else? I feel like I'm missing, well, everything. I'm way too "big" for this rural area. I won't complain too much. I'm way more in touch with nature and myself. I'm healthy and fit. I don't know if I could've gotten to this relaxed place if I hadn't come up here. Do I need to just tough this out and get it completely together? I woke up this morning restless. Did some yoga to help quiet my mind...now it's just a more calm version of "racing" and I can't stop thinking of all the possibilities. I want to see so much and here I am. Maybe I will forever teeter between a free and nested position in life.

I'm also starting to freak out because I don't know how to relate to most of the people I've met up here. I feel isolated and if it weren't for all my lovely friends from all over the place, I'd have gone mad by now. My social skills are deteriorating (they weren't that strong to begin with, I'm a little abrasive) and that bothers me. I have to work hard at being an outgoing person, I'm way more introverted and spending majority of my free time alone doesn't help me practice appropriate social interaction. I just find myself becoming increasingly judgmental, impatient and irritated with people. It's frustrating because that is the opposite of what I want to be doing. This period of my life started a lot more zen...

I miss having drinks with my girls and feeling at ease in their presence. Random conversations about anything from cars to the president. Great discussions outside of Plan B and drinking Ozujsko with all the wonderful people I met in Croatia.

It's not horrible here. I get a lot of peace. There is so much open space, which I love. It's quiet. It's made me a lot more introspective. I have way more good days than bad days. I know that the next few years will be very solitary for me, I guess I just wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for it. I've had a wonderful, loving support system ever since my divorce and now it's time to do this thing on my own. I'm ready to face my problems and handle the bumps in life on my own, completely.

It's an unsettling feeling, not "fitting" anywhere. It makes me restless and lonely. These are feelings I need to learn to deal with and not distract myself from. More writing. This helped so much and I'm ending this entry with a smile on my face. :)

ADD Brain Outlet

Maybe it's just because I spend so much time alone. Becoming anti-social? I don't know.

Is it just me or are most people ridiculous? I find myself gravitating towards older people for friendship and conversation. I miss having long, rambling conversations with my friends about anything from cold cereal to the problems with our prison systems. Maybe I've just spoiled myself with all my experiences and now I expect so much more from people. Or maybe it's just where I'm living right now. One would think maybe I'd be a little more understanding considering so many of these people have rarely left the state. They haven't seen anything and all they know is this little "island" they live on. Even my own mother drives me crazy. Someone called her a feminist and she was offended. Offended!! She is a feminist! She's a strong, independent and self-sufficient woman who pioneered as a female law enforcement officer in a time when women weren't usually more than dispatchers. I guess I don't realize how different I am or that my mind processes and analyzes so differently than many of the people I'm surrounded by. There are moments I sit, talking with my mother and I realize, she's never been my mother. I've always been hers. I've always taken care of her. I'm still doing it. I find myself coaxing her through self-esteem building activities and trying to help her change her negative mindset. I sit and listen to these women I know talk about dating, sex and past relationships. Oh my god, shoot me. The illogical, ridiculously high expectations and odd amount of attachment to these asshole men, who just treat them like shit, amazes me. Or it's okay for them to have a drunken one night stand or five, but if some girl they know does it she's a slut. The worst though, is just how horribly mean these ladies are to one another for no reason. I miss my women. The amazing, intelligent, wonderful women I'm so blessed to know. And for that matter, the fantastic men I know. What is it with the men in this region thinking they're god's gift to women?? There hasn't been one guy that I've met that I'd consider dating. You live in Nevada!! You've never left the state!! You work in a mine!! You're 10 years behind fashion wise!! Get it together. And I'm not a 20 year old bimbo who you can give a couple beers and get into bed. Ask me on a fucking date, clean yourself up and for christ's sake, have something intelligent to say.

And work ethic!!! Am I the only person that goes to work...to work?? I shouldn't be trying to juggle 3 things at the same time while there's someone three feet away having a fucking conversation. Oh and, come to work! The only reason someone should call in is if they physically can't get out of bed or are incredibly contagious. And really? A two or three day notice to an already understaffed and stressed office? Now you're just an asshole. Be a goddamn professional, dress appropriately, use sick days when you're actually sick, give a decent notice and when you're at work...WORK. There are so many lazy people in the world and it makes people like me, nuts.

I don't feel that I'm superior (well, not that much anyways) or better than anybody else. Mostly I just get so frustrated because there's nobody for me to connect with. There's nobody to have a decent conversation with. There's nobody I can be completely myself with, without the fear of offending. I'm so worried about making one wrong move in this tiny town. Why I don't know...

I can't wait to get my debt paid off, buy a vehicle, finish my AA and find a school to transfer to...in another state. I've thought about moving back to CA but what would be the point? Although I have all these things I rant about, I actually love my domestic, calm, isolated life right now. It's helping me focus on really getting my shit together, for good. Being in Sac wasn't good for me or the goals I had. That's why I'm here. Maybe it's best that I don't care much for the people here. I've met a few lovely people and I'm happy to know them. But nothing's really developed. I guess it doesn't matter because the next year is going to be so busy, I won't have time for much of a social life.

I think I just needed to get some stuff out of my head and onto the screen. This ADD kills me.

Dedication.

When I have my own home...there will be a room where I can paint/draw/sit/write/etc. with no restrictions. I can get shitfaced. Smoke cigarettes. Do drugs. Whatever my heart desires and it won't matter because "that" will be my safe space. My escape.

I have been, what I would call, "overly emotional" all day. Which really means I've just been emotional. Putting on clothing that hasn't fit properly in over a year is a big deal for women. Appearance is a HUGE issue for us. We beat ourselves up on a regular basis over whether we're too thin, too fat...too whatever. I put on outfits I've wanted to wear but haven't had the nerve to and I cried. I cried because I wear a size 6. I cried because I have worked SO HARD to be that size. I cried because my worth, unfortunately, is directly related to my size. If I'm smaller I mean more. I cried because, ridiculously, I think if I'm thin, fit, "attractive" that someone will love me. Most ridiculous ideas ever, but they are what they are....

Then I made dinner, while Jamie was washing the dishes. I chatted with her the whole time. I laughed and danced and felt completely happy. That child doesn't give a shit what size I am, I'm her Anne Marie. I'm the one that enforces rules, dishes out punishment, sticks to my guns and loves her even when I'm angry with her. Supports all her decisions, helps practice spelling words and reads bedtime stories. I wash and condition her ridiculous amount of hair. I LOVE her.

After I tucked that kid in, I cracked a beer, went out on the back porch and lit a cigarette. Our family pet, Grizz, who we've had for 15+years, came over and laid his big ol' body on my legs/feet. (He's a chocolate lab/chow mix) All he wanted was a few pets and to keep me warm. I cried again. I cried because this animal. This, thing, this little life force that so many take for granted, loves the hell out of me without question. He has been my cuddle buddy, my body guard and my best friend for years. He's old and this may, quite possibly, be his last year with us. This dog has shown complete and total loyalty for YEARS.

What I'm trying to get at is, dedication. These pets, (We have many that we've had for a very long time.) and children, (we've also taken in many a stray child over the years) are completely dedicated to this, our family.

I sat and thought about my age tonight and it scared the hell out of me...I'm going to be 27 and what the fuck do I have to show for it??? Divorced, no biological children, never finished college and a whole hell of a lot of bad reputation gained over the years.

Then, I looked down at this dog, my buddy for so many years, still laying across my feet, still excited to get my attention, stiff with years, he still meets me at the gate every day when I get home from work....dedication. That's a fucking example. That's something to strive towards. Maybe I haven't done a lot in terms of career success but I've made a huge difference in some kids' lives. I've loved people that didn't deserve it but needed it. The people in my life that have helped me make it through the hard times will forever have my gratitude, my love and my dedication.

I'm a mess. I have my moments of insecurity, jealousy, etc. I stress out and make bad decisions. I'm human. But every day I will try to focus on being dedicated. To my family, myself and my future.

I might not be in the "coolest" place right now....but it's exactly where I'm supposed to be. Now I can't imagine NOT being here for Jamie's school functions, brother's life events and supporting my mom. Someone told me once that "family was a lame excuse" for not doing what I wanted to do. I think I didn't realize what I wanted to do until I was here with my family. I love traveling, I love learning, I want to see EVERYTHING...and I will. I'm ONLY 26 and I think I keep forgetting that. The world is always going to be there...my beloved pets, my kids, my friends and my family are not. They are definitely NOT the lamest excuse but the REASON I came back to the states and will stay for a long time.

Maybe I'll get married and have some babies. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll teach English in a random foreign country...maybe I won't. Maybe my life has been full and fantastic so far....maybe I should just slow down....or maybe I'll keep going full speed ahead.

All I know is I'm dedicated. To my family, my friends and myself. Fully, completely and without guidelines. If I say "I love you"...I mean it forever. There is absolutely nothing else I've ever done in my life that has been more important than loving someone. Especially those that haven't experienced the love they deserve. Life...it's hard, but it's so good.

April 5, 2004 Nostalgia

Tomorrow would've been 8 years married. We'd be working on our second baby. Helping our first two finish up high school. I'd be graduating college. We'd have gone on multiple family vacations. Celebrated our baby's first and second birthdays. Almost completed all the renovations we'd planned for the house. Finished remodeling the 61. Grown and changed and loved and fought. I've done some amazing things in my life before and since I took my vows but nothing compares to taking that leap. I've made a lot of plans for myself, for my life. But when this day comes around I feel as lost as the night we lost the baby and I lost her forever. I thought since we'd been through so much, there was nothing we couldn't get through. But I guess her being in love with someone else was one thing we just couldn't conquer. It wasn't perfect but it was my entire life for years. Her and the kids. I've distanced myself from them and from everything just to be able to move forward but there are two days a year that I get nostalgic. I get sad and lonely. I miss my family. I miss knowing someone loved me. I miss bringing her coffee in bed every morning. I miss waking the kids up for school. I miss Sunday breakfasts with Nicole in the kitchen with country playing. I miss bbqs with our friends. I miss my in-laws. I miss feeling like an incredibly intricate part of something and that my presence was key to someone's happiness. I miss not being alone every fucking minute of every fucking day. I miss having someone to rest my head on when my days are long. I miss not having to be strong...all the time. I miss her calling me to make sure she could buy that new entertainment system...even though she made twice as much as I did. I miss her hugs, her kisses, her cuddles and the intensity between us.

I don't miss being manipulated on a daily basis. Or never hearing the words "I'm sorry" or working full time, going to school full time, taking care of the kids and carrying her baby without a single thank you. I don't miss being unappreciated or always told everything that I wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the yelling or the hitting. I don't miss having her choose that worthless piece of shit over her wife of 5 years. I don't miss the miserable, stressed, depressed and unhappy person I was, especially at the end. I don't miss the kind of person I became and all the awful things I did to her, to my family or to myself. I don't miss how much my family hated her. I don't miss that life...but I miss parts of it.

My life is full, busy, loving, happy and a constant challenge. I'm a happy WOMAN. Not a sad girl anymore. Everything happens for a reason and I know everything we went through has prepared us for bigger things in our lives...but I wish we'd figured life out together, I wish I was watching my two kids grow up and I wish we were accomplishing all the things we set out to when we took those vows. I know she meant it as much as I did when I said "I do".

Celibacy

I've decided to keep it rolling...

So, it's been awhile since I've had sex. I've had opportunity but it just hasn't felt right. Damn you sobriety. Now I'm making a promise to myself. And evidently to anyone who reads this...It's been 4 months now and I'm going to hold off until 6. The next time I have sex I don't want it to be a random, drunken, one nighter. Gone are my days of indifference to sex. As much as I hate it, women can't act like men when it comes to sex. Men can do what they want and get a pat on the back. Women on the other hand get guilt, the slut label and self-imposed punishment for acting on natural, biological impulses. Not that that is why I'm doing this, it's not. I've never cared what people thought of me and I'm not starting now. This is a test. What if? What if I'm out and about, meet someone I am insanely attracted to? What then? I say no. That's what. I've spent the last 3 years giving in to every desire and trust me, it's been fun but it's not gotten me any closer to being who I want to be or where I want to be. Besides, evidently people like prudes. Maybe it's time to start being one? Haha. Never. But I can and will say no, at least until the 6 months are up. That'll be the longest I've gone without sex since I was married. I think I went longer without sex sleeping right next to someone for years than I ever have being single. Maybe that's why relationships scare me so much? The lack of sex! What's the point of being in a committed relationship if you can't get laid when and how much you like? Pointless. Just be single. It's easier.

Anyways, I think I'll need to change the name of this blog soon...

Rough around the edges.

One of those weeks. One of those days. Life may have made me a little rough around the edges but it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or lonely. I try really hard to be self-sufficient. Being single isn't always easy but I'm pretty good at it. But I guess I don't do as well as I thought without my friends. My support system. The people that get me and I don't have to filter myself with. This week my step-daughter turned 16. We got married when she was 8. That's 8 damn years. It just made me think of everything I've missed not being there every day for the past 3 years since we split. It made me think of how alone I am. It made me think of how I'll probably be alone for a long time. Made me wonder why it's so easy for other people I know to find someone to be happy with and I'm still...well, where I am. Just as single as the day the divorce was final. Maybe I'm too hard on people or maybe I'm just too damn difficult. That horrible date last weekend just made me want to stay single forever and at the same time made me feel so lonely. Left me wanting at least a friend to have a beer with and talk about something real. Not gossip about other people, talk shit on strangers or make small talk that will stimulate me in no way. A real conversation. Laughter. Or even some tears. I'd take that. Some kind of real connection with another person. It's a difficult thing for me to do as it is and asking for some support when I need it is not my strength. I think I'll just need to get used to it living up here for the time I do....

I feel like the things I want are so simplistic but some of the hardest to attain. An ice cold beer on a hot summer day with a good friend. Fishing under the stars. Making love. Not fucking. Not random. Not casual. But real, good, sex. A job I like. Travel a lot. Spend a little. A best friend and a lover. A couple babies. I don't need to be rich. I don't need fancy things. I just need more moments of peace and happiness with someone than all the bad. Life has been hard, from the day I was born and it's failed to get better until the past year. I guess now that I've had a sample of my potential, of life's potential, I just want more...

Damn it...if you give a mouse a cookie...