I went to my first baby class tonight. There were so many couples.
It made me sad and lonely. I wish my son was coming into a loving relationship. I wish I'd made better decisions.
Okay! Done being sad.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
I've missed me.
The past couple months of my pregnancy have been probably the hardest of my entire life. I have this little life inside me that I'm responsible for and soon he will be here, in my arms and a whole new and different kind of pressure will be on. But the fog has started to lift....
For months I have been trying to make something work with his father. Now that I look at it a little clearer I'm not sure why I was so concerned with there being an "us". I spent so much time worrying about what this person thought of me I forgot what I thought of myself. He doesn't like my past...well my past made me who I am and it has been a valuable learning tool. We have completely different views on religion. I respect his but I'm "less than" because of mine. Our political views are different, our choices in food, fitness, recreation...pretty much everything is opposing. Why would I want to spend my precious time with someone I have nothing in common with? I adore this person, truly. I think he is funny, smart and sexy in his own way...he will forever be family and I'm very dedicated to my family. He is going to financially support us so I can have a maternity leave, which I am so grateful for and I know he won't shy away from his financial responsibilities. I'm very lucky in that aspect, I won't forget it. But, my entire pregnancy we had this plan that he would move back here, get a job and we'd get the bills all taken care of then decide on a place we would both like to move, something beneficial for us both. In January he came down so we could find out the sex of the baby. It was then seeing where "we" would go was discussed. I didn't make the moves, he did and I thought we were on a path towards a future together. Evidently not, he took a job in Oregon and won't be coming back. I finally demanded a real answer on whether we were going to be romantically involved and he said no. Everything that I had been planning on or relying on for months got ripped away from me. It felt like I'd gotten the wind knocked out of me. I went up to visit the town he would be living in, maybe I could move up there to be closer and so our son could be around his father. On the drive up I just knew...it's too far for me. I have people that love me here. I have a support system. Once again, it's all on me, like it has been the past 6 months and how it will be from now on. The moment I stopped worrying about what might happen, that's when things started to happen and I started to breathe again. I felt like I could make decisions again. I have options. Spending time with my loved ones has become more enjoyable. Thinking of my future isn't the scary, depressing mental movie that is was becoming. I even see a different woman in the mirror. I'm in control again and it feels fucking great. Just let all the worry and negative crap go. And surprise, I allowed myself to be happy and I started to attract attention again, even pregnant.
Point is, he made it clear I'm not a priority and being near his son isn't either right now and that helped me make myself/my son number one again. I may be Type A and a little high strung but I love how productive I can be, how much I love to work and creating/building has become a passion again. It's like I was paralyzed for months and all of a sudden I can move again! I know I can be intimidating, opinionated, stubborn and strong willed. I want someone who values those qualities and loves me because of them. Because of those "faults" I will never let down the ones I love, I will work myself into the ground to provide for my family, I love with every ounce of me and in ways people can't even comprehend. I'm a gem and I won't let anyone make me feel like anything less again.
I love feeling free again and I can't wait to meet my little boy. He has been my entire world the past 6 months and I can't even begin to imagine the intensity of the love I will feel once I have him in my arms. I feel hopeful again. Scared to death but at least I have a direction now...I haven't had something to motivate me to be the best I can be in years. I was coasting. Over the past two years I had slowly been building up my self-confidence/esteem, trying to turn my life around after running myself/it into the ground for so long. This little boy has put me in fast forward, he's changed everything. How I look at life, my plans for the future, what's important to me and how I treat myself. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I shouldn't be doing anything but exuding gratitude, peace and happiness.
For months I have been trying to make something work with his father. Now that I look at it a little clearer I'm not sure why I was so concerned with there being an "us". I spent so much time worrying about what this person thought of me I forgot what I thought of myself. He doesn't like my past...well my past made me who I am and it has been a valuable learning tool. We have completely different views on religion. I respect his but I'm "less than" because of mine. Our political views are different, our choices in food, fitness, recreation...pretty much everything is opposing. Why would I want to spend my precious time with someone I have nothing in common with? I adore this person, truly. I think he is funny, smart and sexy in his own way...he will forever be family and I'm very dedicated to my family. He is going to financially support us so I can have a maternity leave, which I am so grateful for and I know he won't shy away from his financial responsibilities. I'm very lucky in that aspect, I won't forget it. But, my entire pregnancy we had this plan that he would move back here, get a job and we'd get the bills all taken care of then decide on a place we would both like to move, something beneficial for us both. In January he came down so we could find out the sex of the baby. It was then seeing where "we" would go was discussed. I didn't make the moves, he did and I thought we were on a path towards a future together. Evidently not, he took a job in Oregon and won't be coming back. I finally demanded a real answer on whether we were going to be romantically involved and he said no. Everything that I had been planning on or relying on for months got ripped away from me. It felt like I'd gotten the wind knocked out of me. I went up to visit the town he would be living in, maybe I could move up there to be closer and so our son could be around his father. On the drive up I just knew...it's too far for me. I have people that love me here. I have a support system. Once again, it's all on me, like it has been the past 6 months and how it will be from now on. The moment I stopped worrying about what might happen, that's when things started to happen and I started to breathe again. I felt like I could make decisions again. I have options. Spending time with my loved ones has become more enjoyable. Thinking of my future isn't the scary, depressing mental movie that is was becoming. I even see a different woman in the mirror. I'm in control again and it feels fucking great. Just let all the worry and negative crap go. And surprise, I allowed myself to be happy and I started to attract attention again, even pregnant.
Point is, he made it clear I'm not a priority and being near his son isn't either right now and that helped me make myself/my son number one again. I may be Type A and a little high strung but I love how productive I can be, how much I love to work and creating/building has become a passion again. It's like I was paralyzed for months and all of a sudden I can move again! I know I can be intimidating, opinionated, stubborn and strong willed. I want someone who values those qualities and loves me because of them. Because of those "faults" I will never let down the ones I love, I will work myself into the ground to provide for my family, I love with every ounce of me and in ways people can't even comprehend. I'm a gem and I won't let anyone make me feel like anything less again.
I love feeling free again and I can't wait to meet my little boy. He has been my entire world the past 6 months and I can't even begin to imagine the intensity of the love I will feel once I have him in my arms. I feel hopeful again. Scared to death but at least I have a direction now...I haven't had something to motivate me to be the best I can be in years. I was coasting. Over the past two years I had slowly been building up my self-confidence/esteem, trying to turn my life around after running myself/it into the ground for so long. This little boy has put me in fast forward, he's changed everything. How I look at life, my plans for the future, what's important to me and how I treat myself. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I shouldn't be doing anything but exuding gratitude, peace and happiness.
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