F%$k this time of year.

I'm tired of....
not feeling good enough.
always being single.
being in the fucking friend zone.
feeling out of place with my family.
missing my friends.
looking for a job.
being in the states.
feeling directionless.
not having a license.
raising other people's children.
not being able to breathe! (fuck this altitude)
life.

I'm thankful for....
my fucked up family.
Katie, Nic and Kirby.
other people's children.
being single and free.
all the traveling I've done.
my health.
my marriage and divorce.
being intelligent and strong.
good sex.
life.

I hate holidays. They just remind me of everything I've never had and everything I did. I hate this time of year.

Day of Indulgence

9 out of 10 I'm content. Then there's that one day that's reserved for country love songs and a glass of wine. Today is that day.

"My poor heart needs somebody that can...
Take it like a man, steady and strong
Not a lot of fuss and carryin' on
True to a promise I can write in stone
Take it like a man who knows about love
Every little thing that a girl dreams of
Someone who's wise enough to understand...
If you want this woman's heart
You gotta take it like a man."

I'm not sad, lonely or unhappy...just...restless and wistful. We're all entitled to those days, as long as we indulge just once in awhile.

Constant Craving

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

I've experienced so much the past 10 years...

Why would I settle for mediocrity when it comes to love? I don't settle for it in the other areas of my life. I like to feel alive, laugh, take risks and feel the fear, pushing past it. I want to learn as much, travel as much and do as much good as I can. I don't want to live a life of so-so experiences. And I don't want a love that leaves me wanting, yearning or needing more. I'm very realistic about love and relationships but I refuse to settle just to be with someone. I want it all or not at all. My life is wonderful, full of love and I'm happy.

Who says we can't have our "happily ever after"? My idea of perfection is another woman's nightmare. Everyone's dream is different and we all have the right to have it come true. Don't give up ladies. Don't get discouraged when life doesn't work out the way you want. What you want might not be what you need.

Just Because

It seriously doesn't matter whether they care or not...saying what you mean and meaning what you say is the best medicine for any illness...I LOVE YOU GODDAMN IT. And then....breathe, release. It's out there. It's been said. Now, they will do something with it or they won't. Either way, it's not going to affect your path and if it does, hopefully it's in the longterm,

Just saying those three little words...because it's real, because it's never said and because you're such a stone cold bitch most of the time. *pat on the back*

Double Standards and Unrealistic Expectations of Human Beings

I was reading a guy's blog, watching movies and then watching a bunch of stand up this morning, because I have no job. Over and over there were male comedians referring to sluts and whores. Women who give it up too quick. "Why are women surprised when they give it up the same night and don't get a call the next day??" Umm...you gave it up also. Am I supposed to lose interest in the guy because he fucked me? No, it's acceptable behavior for men. Are men saying that if they REALLY like a woman they aren't going to sleep with them? No, if there's a chance they can get laid, more than likely they will. But then the responsibility falls back on the female to say no, act like a "lady" and hold off on sleeping with a guy. You know what I think? It's bullshit. If a man really likes a woman, it's not going to matter whether she fucked him the first time around or the fifth. It's an excuse and a cop out for not calling women that the guy just really isn't interested in. Be a man and own up to the fact that you just wanted to get laid, you had no real interest in the woman in the first place. But we're supposed to play this game, this back and forth, push/pull, take me on a few dates before I let you between my legs. It's really just an obnoxious game because I know pretty quickly whether I want to sleep with you or not. I'm not going to make some poor guy I have no intention of fucking take me out on multiple dates and on the same hand, I'm not going to force myself to wait a month or longer of hanging out with someone I have an instant connection with to see what our sexual chemistry is like. That's just wasting time. I make quick decisions about whether I want to actually date someone or not. I don't give it up on the first date, that's not enough time to make a judgment, but I'm not waiting to find out he sucks in bed or we just don't click sexually. Sex is way too important to me. There are men I have no intention of dating, ever, but I'm incredibly attracted to them. They are friends with benefits, when I'm single. Then there are men I can actually see myself having a real relationship with, so I hold off a little with them to build some sort of basis, a friendship. But if you don't give it up quick enough you're a prude, too fast and you're a slut. Do men have to worry about this shit? Do they have to stress about when the right time is or if they should or will she think of me differently if we sleep together too soon??? NO!
I know that this subject is a reoccurring theme in my blog and for good reason. I'm forced to think about it every day as a female. I see it in television, movies, books and advertisements. I just watched “What’s Your Number?” this morning and I liked part of the message. (Aside from the, “The sexy playboy guy in your life that you like is totally going to change his ways because you’re different, you’re the one” bullshit). She, in comparison to the other women in the film, had a high number of sexual/dating partners and was judging herself harshly for it. In the end my favorite line was, “I’m a jobless slut and I want to be with someone who loves me for it.“ I loved the movie but it did get me thinking, once again and judging myself/other women/men/society once again. It's a constant balancing act between slut and prude. It's stressful and takes energy I just don't prefer to put into it. Why can't women be as basic and simple as men? If she wants to sleep with you...let her sleep with you! Then continue getting to know her. I guess it also comes down to the chase. There's no real chase after that, not sexually anyways. You've had it. Maybe you don't want it anymore. But there's the other part of the chase. Now make an effort to get her interested in more. The same way we have to put all this effort into our appearance, listening to you guys, responding appropriately. Trying to be the perfect mix of intelligent but flirty, sexy but serious and all the while stressing the hell out about whether or not you guys are going to ask us on another date. Just writing about it is making me tired. There are so many restrictions, rules, guidelines and games. Skip the judgmental ideas society has brainwashed you with your entire life and think for yourself. If she's the kind of woman you can see yourself with in a real way, don't make the timing of sex a make it or break it issue.

Now that I've ranted, I'm going to bake brownies and get everything ready for dinner for this insane family of mine...

A Little Consideration

Gentlemen. If a woman tells you she has real feelings for you and that you're her ideal partner, do not only contact her at midnight, one, two or three in the morning after a night of intense drinking. Have a little more respect for her feelings because she is obviously invested. Relegating her to "booty call" status just makes her admission of emotion seem like an even worse decision than she initially thought. At least make the woman feel as if you still respect her as a friend, consider her feelings because guys, even an unemotional, logical, rational woman such as myself will still over analyze the hell out of a man's actions if I'm even slightly emotionally invested. This is because women are nuts. I'm on the lower end of the insanity spectrum but it's still there. Make sure the woman you're drunk dialing, knows what she is and is available for her agreed upon position in your life, as your late night drunk fuck.

On top of that, I live 9 hours away. Even if I wanted to push all my feelings aside to still get laid (because it was great sex) I CAN'T. So, in conclusion, if you want to remain friends with the woman, call at a decent hour, keep the conversation to neutral topics and stop drunk dialing, the friendship is still important and valued. Those calls create hope where there is obviously none and are confusing seeing as there is a huge distance issue.

Thank you,
Women Who Shouldn't Care But Do

Tick, tick, tick.

Is it my "biological clock" or society or my own desire that keeps me thinking about having kids/settling down lately? Maybe it's being up here where I feel like I fit in a little more. Women here are strong, work just as hard as men and it is VERY much country living. I haven't felt anxious about going out when the weekend comes around. I sit on my back porch, listen to my music and drink a little whiskey. I go to bed before 10 and most nights before 9. I get up before the sun to hang out with my family before brother heads off to work and Jamie heads off to school. I cook, I clean and I look for jobs. I'm more excited about helping Jamie with her homework than talking to my friends. I know that there will be moments where I'm going to want to go be rowdy, drink a little too much and have a good fuck, but right now, I'm so content. I went to visit my aunt and uncle the other night, they invited us over for dinner. As we sat talking my aunt started bringing up marriage, kids, dating and all that shit. It is expected up here that women hurry up and pop out some kids. In my aunt's eyes I'm "gettin' up there" and need to find a husband. Not that I would be upset if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow but it's not my main focus in life. Maybe I am realizing that I'm 26, I'm still single and my expectations of a partner/relationship are a lot different than majority of women's. Finding the kind of man that would WANT to be with someone like me seems nearly impossible. I don't have a problem at all if I just want to have sex but if I hold off on that to try to get to know someone....

I don't know. My aunt just started me thinking about societal pressures, ideas pushed on us women starting as children and whether or not I actually want any of the "ideal" things women are supposed to want. Maybe I just want to work a little, travel a lot and find someone who wants to do the same until we can't anymore. If there's a kid in there somewhere ok, if not, whatever. Oh who am I kidding...I'm an old fashioned family woman who wants to have children and a husband to share it all with. My life will still be fulfilling and enjoyable without it but it would be nice. Now where did the desire for all this come from???.....Me? Society? My family? Ideas...???