Oh how life changes in such a short period of time...
I just entered my second trimester of pregnancy. Just 3 months ago I thought my life was on a completely different path and now...I'm anxiously awaiting and preparing for the arrival of my first child. This was completely unexpected and far from planned.
Thinking back on the last four years of life it seems that everything has been leading me to this point. The opportunities I've taken, the mistakes I've made, the relationships that didn't work out. Especially over the last two years. I lived in another country for 6 months. It was like my last big thing before my life became completely about this little being. I moved to the middle of nowhere, completely isolated myself, got in better shape than I've been in in years, learned to stay home on the weekends, not drink every day, reconnect with my family and become peaceful once again. And then I was given this beautiful gift and if it had happened a year ago I might have completely freaked out but now...it just seems so right.
I don't think I've ever felt sexier. I love my body and what it is doing. I forgive myself for not being a size 2 or a little bit taller because my body is so perfect as it is and with what it is doing. You would think that being pregnant would make you feel awful and believe me, the first trimester was a real test for me but the past few weeks have just gotten better and better. Like I said, I've never ever felt more sexy. My body and I are freakin' awesome.
Not to say it doesn't come with some negative...
I thought I had dealt with my anger towards my mother for the hell she has put me through my entire life but evidently not. Once again I've been reminded that my mother, isn't a mother. She isn't excited about being a grandmother, she hasn't bought one thing for my baby, she doesn't ask if I've thought of names or what I want or if I'm scared or...anything. She is angry at me for not asking for her help but if I do she gives me a guilt trip. Nothing I do is good enough, I can't handle things to her liking and I am most definitely a disappointment. I could never live up to the amazing person my little brother is. Her baby. Her favorite. I had forgotten why I'd lived so far away for so long...oh how I remember now. My friends are my real family. My mother knows nothing of unconditional love, sacrifice without holding it over someone's head or nurturing a person in general. My entire family, mom and dad's side are a bunch of judgmental, cold, ignorant, manipulative people and I have been so much happier without them for a long time. I don't know why I wanted to get myself all caught up in this bullshit once again.
Okay, not all my family, my Aunt and cousins, especially my cousin Stephanie, are amazing and without them, I would've moved away already. My brother, he will always be number one to me, even if he barely speaks to me now. Maybe he'll miss me when I'm gone...
I will be seeking out counseling to deal with my mother before my child arrives. There is no way I will bring that poor baby into this bullshit. And once we're used to each other, the three of us (Tim, baby and I) will be moving far away. I don't want to raise my child here and I would like to be closer to my friends or at least somewhere they actually want to visit. I can't be the one traveling all the time to see them.
In short...whoa. I don't feel ready at all but completely prepared all at the same time. I feel really rusty writing so I'll be doing it more to get used to it again. This doesn't flow at all....
