Rough around the edges.

One of those weeks. One of those days. Life may have made me a little rough around the edges but it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated or lonely. I try really hard to be self-sufficient. Being single isn't always easy but I'm pretty good at it. But I guess I don't do as well as I thought without my friends. My support system. The people that get me and I don't have to filter myself with. This week my step-daughter turned 16. We got married when she was 8. That's 8 damn years. It just made me think of everything I've missed not being there every day for the past 3 years since we split. It made me think of how alone I am. It made me think of how I'll probably be alone for a long time. Made me wonder why it's so easy for other people I know to find someone to be happy with and I'm still...well, where I am. Just as single as the day the divorce was final. Maybe I'm too hard on people or maybe I'm just too damn difficult. That horrible date last weekend just made me want to stay single forever and at the same time made me feel so lonely. Left me wanting at least a friend to have a beer with and talk about something real. Not gossip about other people, talk shit on strangers or make small talk that will stimulate me in no way. A real conversation. Laughter. Or even some tears. I'd take that. Some kind of real connection with another person. It's a difficult thing for me to do as it is and asking for some support when I need it is not my strength. I think I'll just need to get used to it living up here for the time I do....

I feel like the things I want are so simplistic but some of the hardest to attain. An ice cold beer on a hot summer day with a good friend. Fishing under the stars. Making love. Not fucking. Not random. Not casual. But real, good, sex. A job I like. Travel a lot. Spend a little. A best friend and a lover. A couple babies. I don't need to be rich. I don't need fancy things. I just need more moments of peace and happiness with someone than all the bad. Life has been hard, from the day I was born and it's failed to get better until the past year. I guess now that I've had a sample of my potential, of life's potential, I just want more...

Damn it...if you give a mouse a cookie...