Maybe it's just because I spend so much time alone. Becoming anti-social? I don't know.
Is it just me or are most people ridiculous? I find myself gravitating towards older people for friendship and conversation. I miss having long, rambling conversations with my friends about anything from cold cereal to the problems with our prison systems. Maybe I've just spoiled myself with all my experiences and now I expect so much more from people. Or maybe it's just where I'm living right now. One would think maybe I'd be a little more understanding considering so many of these people have rarely left the state. They haven't seen anything and all they know is this little "island" they live on. Even my own mother drives me crazy. Someone called her a feminist and she was offended. Offended!! She is a feminist! She's a strong, independent and self-sufficient woman who pioneered as a female law enforcement officer in a time when women weren't usually more than dispatchers. I guess I don't realize how different I am or that my mind processes and analyzes so differently than many of the people I'm surrounded by. There are moments I sit, talking with my mother and I realize, she's never been my mother. I've always been hers. I've always taken care of her. I'm still doing it. I find myself coaxing her through self-esteem building activities and trying to help her change her negative mindset. I sit and listen to these women I know talk about dating, sex and past relationships. Oh my god, shoot me. The illogical, ridiculously high expectations and odd amount of attachment to these asshole men, who just treat them like shit, amazes me. Or it's okay for them to have a drunken one night stand or five, but if some girl they know does it she's a slut. The worst though, is just how horribly mean these ladies are to one another for no reason. I miss my women. The amazing, intelligent, wonderful women I'm so blessed to know. And for that matter, the fantastic men I know. What is it with the men in this region thinking they're god's gift to women?? There hasn't been one guy that I've met that I'd consider dating. You live in Nevada!! You've never left the state!! You work in a mine!! You're 10 years behind fashion wise!! Get it together. And I'm not a 20 year old bimbo who you can give a couple beers and get into bed. Ask me on a fucking date, clean yourself up and for christ's sake, have something intelligent to say.
And work ethic!!! Am I the only person that goes to work...to work?? I shouldn't be trying to juggle 3 things at the same time while there's someone three feet away having a fucking conversation. Oh and, come to work! The only reason someone should call in is if they physically can't get out of bed or are incredibly contagious. And really? A two or three day notice to an already understaffed and stressed office? Now you're just an asshole. Be a goddamn professional, dress appropriately, use sick days when you're actually sick, give a decent notice and when you're at work...WORK. There are so many lazy people in the world and it makes people like me, nuts.
I don't feel that I'm superior (well, not that much anyways) or better than anybody else. Mostly I just get so frustrated because there's nobody for me to connect with. There's nobody to have a decent conversation with. There's nobody I can be completely myself with, without the fear of offending. I'm so worried about making one wrong move in this tiny town. Why I don't know...
I can't wait to get my debt paid off, buy a vehicle, finish my AA and find a school to transfer to...in another state. I've thought about moving back to CA but what would be the point? Although I have all these things I rant about, I actually love my domestic, calm, isolated life right now. It's helping me focus on really getting my shit together, for good. Being in Sac wasn't good for me or the goals I had. That's why I'm here. Maybe it's best that I don't care much for the people here. I've met a few lovely people and I'm happy to know them. But nothing's really developed. I guess it doesn't matter because the next year is going to be so busy, I won't have time for much of a social life.
I think I just needed to get some stuff out of my head and onto the screen. This ADD kills me.
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