Running In Place

Stuck in the middle. That's how I feel. It is a reoccuring issue with me. A fight within myself. I have this incredible desire to put some roots down...somewhere, but I don't know where yet. I'd like to have a relationship, but only the kind I want. At the same time there's so much I have/want to do that I don't see a relationship as an option. Then I see my friends from all over the world, all the things they're doing and places they're going....what am I doing here? Why am I trying to buy a car? Should I actually go back to college and finish? Or should I just go? Teach English somewhere random and forget everything else? I feel like I'm missing, well, everything. I'm way too "big" for this rural area. I won't complain too much. I'm way more in touch with nature and myself. I'm healthy and fit. I don't know if I could've gotten to this relaxed place if I hadn't come up here. Do I need to just tough this out and get it completely together? I woke up this morning restless. Did some yoga to help quiet my mind...now it's just a more calm version of "racing" and I can't stop thinking of all the possibilities. I want to see so much and here I am. Maybe I will forever teeter between a free and nested position in life.

I'm also starting to freak out because I don't know how to relate to most of the people I've met up here. I feel isolated and if it weren't for all my lovely friends from all over the place, I'd have gone mad by now. My social skills are deteriorating (they weren't that strong to begin with, I'm a little abrasive) and that bothers me. I have to work hard at being an outgoing person, I'm way more introverted and spending majority of my free time alone doesn't help me practice appropriate social interaction. I just find myself becoming increasingly judgmental, impatient and irritated with people. It's frustrating because that is the opposite of what I want to be doing. This period of my life started a lot more zen...

I miss having drinks with my girls and feeling at ease in their presence. Random conversations about anything from cars to the president. Great discussions outside of Plan B and drinking Ozujsko with all the wonderful people I met in Croatia.

It's not horrible here. I get a lot of peace. There is so much open space, which I love. It's quiet. It's made me a lot more introspective. I have way more good days than bad days. I know that the next few years will be very solitary for me, I guess I just wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for it. I've had a wonderful, loving support system ever since my divorce and now it's time to do this thing on my own. I'm ready to face my problems and handle the bumps in life on my own, completely.

It's an unsettling feeling, not "fitting" anywhere. It makes me restless and lonely. These are feelings I need to learn to deal with and not distract myself from. More writing. This helped so much and I'm ending this entry with a smile on my face. :)