I've had a horrible couple of days. Since I was about 14 or 15 I have battled major depression. Not the, "I'm going to come home and cry today." kind of stuff. The, "I'm not getting out of bed except to use the restroom." kind of depression. The kind, that if not taken care of, leads to attempted and sometimes successful suicide. Thankfully, I haven't been successful and because of certain life experiences have promised myself to never, ever let it get that bad. Well, the past few days have been some of the worst in a very, very long time. There is absolutely no reason for it. There were triggers but in the grand scheme of things, my life has become extremely enjoyable majority of the time. I'm finally making friends, I have a freakin' amazing/phenomenal/beautiful/wonderful cousin who I can turn to because she knows exactly what I'm dealing with. I met a really nice/funny/sweet guy and although it might not end up as anything more than a great friendship, I'd be happy with that. I'm actually working towards my goals, exercising discipline and self-control I wasn't sure I had within me. But the past few days, they were bad. It started with just a random blue day. Okay, we all have them. What did I do to deal with it? I tried working out. Didn't really commit to it. So instead, I drank. I drank, smoked and dwelled. The next day I woke up in a worse mood than before. Had a shit day at work because that's what I expected, so that's what happened. Yesterday I continued the cycle because I'd drank the night before, not a ton but any is enough when I'm in this mental space and what happened? I ended up having a really sad/painful conversation with my mom about my father. I put myself to bed pretty early so I could be up for work and woke up at 2 a.m. dizzy, queasy and shaking. Ended up puking for about an hour. I tried to sleep it off and go to work but I was sitting at my desk trying not to vomit all over my keyboard. I have no idea why I was sick. I didn't drink even close to enough to make me sick. Maybe a 24 hour bug or maybe just how badly I was treating my body/mind/soul. So I left work after an hour and headed home. I've spent the entire day alternating between crying and being pissed off. About everything. Life. How fucked up mine has been. How unfair it is. What did I do to deserve the shit that's been done to me? Blah blah blah....everyone has it rough. Mine might have been worse than someone else's but a hell of a lot better than another person's. It's all perspective.
Over the past 13 or so years I have recognized my gradual descent into the darkness and know how to pull myself out before it gets too bad. I completely gave up the past few days and was letting myself fall. Today the sound of my Booberry's voice was like nails on a chalk board. All of our animals were irritating the hell out of me. I couldn't get comfortable laying down or taking a nap. Everything felt wrong and there was a heavy feeling in the center of my chest. So I said, fuck that. I put on my running shoes, looked in the mirror and told myself not to come back to the house until I'd pounded all of that negative bullshit out onto the dirt under my feet. While I ran I imagined a black smoke flying out from under my every footfall and every exhale. The sky was full of thick, dark clouds, it was windy and I could feel the electricity in the air. I ran myself up hills as quickly as I could. I sprinted until I thought my lungs would explode. At one point I just stopped and cried. When I came back to the house I hugged my girl and apologized for being cranky/distant the last few days. I helped my mom with her dinner. Now I've sat and wrote this to just get it all out.
Changing a habit you've had since you were 13 is the hardest thing I've ever done but days like today, where instead of reaching for a bottle I just completely physically exhausted myself AND it worked, remind me to keep being a better version of myself. There is always something I can improve on. Being more patient, kind, loving, understanding, compassionate, productive and positive are/always will be on the list. That run reconnected me. Mind, body, soul, aligned and focused on moving forward. 99 out of 100 days there ain't much that can bring me down. But for that one day that gets me, I'll just run it out.
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