It's weird how accustom I have become with being alone. I miss my friends, my loved ones and my familiar cities/towns....I also find myself shying away from superficial interaction. It doesn't seem worth it to spend the time if I'm left feeling empty or bored. Why not spend that time reading, listening to my favorite music (which is like spending time with family) and planning my little family's future? I don't even enjoy watching TV/movies the way I used to. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. I've become a hermit over the last year and especially since the pregnancy. Everything has shifted. I also just don't have the social circle up here that I have in California...which I greatly miss. More often than not I find myself turning off the TV or putting down the book just so I can sit quietly with my thoughts. It has become more of a desire to have my hand held or arms around me than to have a conversation. I've always been an island. Too independent, too proud and too hard. It is extremely hard to try to continue that way in this situation. Now what helps the most is an arm around my shoulders...unfortunately there isn't anyone here who hugs me and takes it all away or anyone I would let that close. Those people have been few and far between in my life. I feel like I'm losing my brother, who is my best friend up here. My mom is, as usual, overwhelmed with her own life. She tries but I always end up feeling more in charge of her best interest than the other way around. Being single and pregnant has been so much harder than I thought it would be...I am tough, I can handle whatever comes my way because there is no other choice...but there are so many changes, so many things happening within me and to me...he isn't here to share it with and we aren't in a relationship...even if we were, relying on someone for support has never been my strength. He wants to be there, he tells me to call when I'm having a hard time, to ask for help...but I can't. I can't have him thinking I can't do this because I can. What would I say anyways?? "I'm scared. Of what? I don't know. Everything? Myself? Life? Our child?"
On top of all the loneliness/isolation/hiding...I have never been more...um...hormonal. Ha. I thought I had a sex drive before....and of course, I'm single. Sometimes it feels as if I'm starving. I crave physical contact more than I ever have before. It is practically torture. Now add in emotional starvation, no intelligent interaction and the freezing goddamn weather (which means I can't even go out for a walk/hike to ease some tension) and that makes for a cranky, sad, overwhelmed, stressed out woman.
I'm ready to run away....this place isn't for me.
With all that off my chest....here comes 2013. The year my entire life changes forever. At the end of May I will be 28 and welcoming my first child into this strange world. The past 5 years is a blur of mistakes, challenges, triumphs, change and some of the most amazing experiences. I feel the last couple of years have led me up to this. I had my big year. 2011, quit both my jobs, got rid of all my security, moved across the world, came back and started over in practically a foreign country (Wells, NV), got to know myself like I never have. Met someone who made me question everything I had decided about life and myself. And every time he walked out of my life or I kicked him out, I knew that wasn't the end...now here we are. He is my best friend and the father of this little being growing inside me. All the mistakes I've made the past couple years are all biting me in the ass as I try to prepare for this baby but they are things I learned before being a mommy, mistakes I'll never make again. I spent the last year up here slowing down...I guess I should've known this was coming...I never thought I'd slow down. Four years ago when I lost my first baby, I knew it wasn't the right time and I remember saying one night, not now, not right now. I feel like my child has returned to me, knowing that this is a much better space to enter. I am ready and welcome this huge shift in my life, focus and future.
Bring it 2013. This won't be easy. It's not the way I planned it. But when have I ever done anything the "right" way?
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