Tomorrow would've been 8 years married. We'd be working on our second baby. Helping our first two finish up high school. I'd be graduating college. We'd have gone on multiple family vacations. Celebrated our baby's first and second birthdays. Almost completed all the renovations we'd planned for the house. Finished remodeling the 61. Grown and changed and loved and fought. I've done some amazing things in my life before and since I took my vows but nothing compares to taking that leap. I've made a lot of plans for myself, for my life. But when this day comes around I feel as lost as the night we lost the baby and I lost her forever. I thought since we'd been through so much, there was nothing we couldn't get through. But I guess her being in love with someone else was one thing we just couldn't conquer. It wasn't perfect but it was my entire life for years. Her and the kids. I've distanced myself from them and from everything just to be able to move forward but there are two days a year that I get nostalgic. I get sad and lonely. I miss my family. I miss knowing someone loved me. I miss bringing her coffee in bed every morning. I miss waking the kids up for school. I miss Sunday breakfasts with Nicole in the kitchen with country playing. I miss bbqs with our friends. I miss my in-laws. I miss feeling like an incredibly intricate part of something and that my presence was key to someone's happiness. I miss not being alone every fucking minute of every fucking day. I miss having someone to rest my head on when my days are long. I miss not having to be strong...all the time. I miss her calling me to make sure she could buy that new entertainment system...even though she made twice as much as I did. I miss her hugs, her kisses, her cuddles and the intensity between us.
I don't miss being manipulated on a daily basis. Or never hearing the words "I'm sorry" or working full time, going to school full time, taking care of the kids and carrying her baby without a single thank you. I don't miss being unappreciated or always told everything that I wasn't. I don't miss the screaming, the yelling or the hitting. I don't miss having her choose that worthless piece of shit over her wife of 5 years. I don't miss the miserable, stressed, depressed and unhappy person I was, especially at the end. I don't miss the kind of person I became and all the awful things I did to her, to my family or to myself. I don't miss how much my family hated her. I don't miss that life...but I miss parts of it.
My life is full, busy, loving, happy and a constant challenge. I'm a happy WOMAN. Not a sad girl anymore. Everything happens for a reason and I know everything we went through has prepared us for bigger things in our lives...but I wish we'd figured life out together, I wish I was watching my two kids grow up and I wish we were accomplishing all the things we set out to when we took those vows. I know she meant it as much as I did when I said "I do".
This beautifully articulates how most people feel at the end of a long term relationship. Thank you for again being brave enough to really say the truth..Your truth makes the rest of us not feel so alone. Muah!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm really bad at reaching out for help or support. I always feel like I need to be strong and I'm really good at it for other people. This is my way of asking for help when I feel alone or not strong enough to keep my head up. <3
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