Dedication.

When I have my own home...there will be a room where I can paint/draw/sit/write/etc. with no restrictions. I can get shitfaced. Smoke cigarettes. Do drugs. Whatever my heart desires and it won't matter because "that" will be my safe space. My escape.

I have been, what I would call, "overly emotional" all day. Which really means I've just been emotional. Putting on clothing that hasn't fit properly in over a year is a big deal for women. Appearance is a HUGE issue for us. We beat ourselves up on a regular basis over whether we're too thin, too fat...too whatever. I put on outfits I've wanted to wear but haven't had the nerve to and I cried. I cried because I wear a size 6. I cried because I have worked SO HARD to be that size. I cried because my worth, unfortunately, is directly related to my size. If I'm smaller I mean more. I cried because, ridiculously, I think if I'm thin, fit, "attractive" that someone will love me. Most ridiculous ideas ever, but they are what they are....

Then I made dinner, while Jamie was washing the dishes. I chatted with her the whole time. I laughed and danced and felt completely happy. That child doesn't give a shit what size I am, I'm her Anne Marie. I'm the one that enforces rules, dishes out punishment, sticks to my guns and loves her even when I'm angry with her. Supports all her decisions, helps practice spelling words and reads bedtime stories. I wash and condition her ridiculous amount of hair. I LOVE her.

After I tucked that kid in, I cracked a beer, went out on the back porch and lit a cigarette. Our family pet, Grizz, who we've had for 15+years, came over and laid his big ol' body on my legs/feet. (He's a chocolate lab/chow mix) All he wanted was a few pets and to keep me warm. I cried again. I cried because this animal. This, thing, this little life force that so many take for granted, loves the hell out of me without question. He has been my cuddle buddy, my body guard and my best friend for years. He's old and this may, quite possibly, be his last year with us. This dog has shown complete and total loyalty for YEARS.

What I'm trying to get at is, dedication. These pets, (We have many that we've had for a very long time.) and children, (we've also taken in many a stray child over the years) are completely dedicated to this, our family.

I sat and thought about my age tonight and it scared the hell out of me...I'm going to be 27 and what the fuck do I have to show for it??? Divorced, no biological children, never finished college and a whole hell of a lot of bad reputation gained over the years.

Then, I looked down at this dog, my buddy for so many years, still laying across my feet, still excited to get my attention, stiff with years, he still meets me at the gate every day when I get home from work....dedication. That's a fucking example. That's something to strive towards. Maybe I haven't done a lot in terms of career success but I've made a huge difference in some kids' lives. I've loved people that didn't deserve it but needed it. The people in my life that have helped me make it through the hard times will forever have my gratitude, my love and my dedication.

I'm a mess. I have my moments of insecurity, jealousy, etc. I stress out and make bad decisions. I'm human. But every day I will try to focus on being dedicated. To my family, myself and my future.

I might not be in the "coolest" place right now....but it's exactly where I'm supposed to be. Now I can't imagine NOT being here for Jamie's school functions, brother's life events and supporting my mom. Someone told me once that "family was a lame excuse" for not doing what I wanted to do. I think I didn't realize what I wanted to do until I was here with my family. I love traveling, I love learning, I want to see EVERYTHING...and I will. I'm ONLY 26 and I think I keep forgetting that. The world is always going to be there...my beloved pets, my kids, my friends and my family are not. They are definitely NOT the lamest excuse but the REASON I came back to the states and will stay for a long time.

Maybe I'll get married and have some babies. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll teach English in a random foreign country...maybe I won't. Maybe my life has been full and fantastic so far....maybe I should just slow down....or maybe I'll keep going full speed ahead.

All I know is I'm dedicated. To my family, my friends and myself. Fully, completely and without guidelines. If I say "I love you"...I mean it forever. There is absolutely nothing else I've ever done in my life that has been more important than loving someone. Especially those that haven't experienced the love they deserve. Life...it's hard, but it's so good.