Loving it.

It's weird the things that change and what you realize as you get older.

I don't think I've ever felt better in my skin. When I was 20 years old I worked out 3 times a day, never drank, never smoked, no drugs, was vegetarian. I weighed about 110-115 lbs. I was solid and tiny. Back then, I still wouldn't wear shorts. I look at pictures of me then and think, "Jesus, I was gross skinny."  Now, I weigh about 30 pounds more, not exactly solid, a hell of a lot curvier and have never been happier. I drink beer when I want to, smoke on a regular basis and when I want a cheeseburger, I have it. I work out 5 days a week but I have no desire to look the way I used to. I feel sexier now than at any other point in my life...

I also don't care about money. I used to always want more of it and of course I still do, but for different reasons. Brand new car, big house, expensive clothes...none of that matters. What I want is enough to have a reliable car, a cute/small place to call home, comfortable clothing and the extra to travel/finish tattoos/beers on a Friday night/see my favorite bands.

When I was younger I was married, for many years, to someone who never deserved me. After my divorce I went crazy. Changed my entire view on love/life. I didn't need anyone. I never wanted a serious relationship again. I could do it all on my own. Now, being single the past four years and moving up here where I'm a lot more isolated than before, I realize having someone to rely on/share life with is exactly what I want. Doesn't mean I'm going to settle to just be with someone, but I am now open to the idea of  a committed relationship.

The other night I went with a friend to this get together.  I met these people who are "swingers" and it was so rad to see these people living life exactly how they want to. Not conforming to the conventional idea of a loving relationship but that shit isn't for me anymore. I will never be completely traditional and the person I end up with better be open to a good time but it's not a lifestyle I'll ever embrace the way these people do. I've already done all this craziness and now, I want something a little more "vanilla". Not boring. I don't think it is even possible for my sex life to ever be boring but....three or four people in a bed on a regular basis is just too much damn work. In my experience, it is usually better with just the two anyways.

I am still neurotic, offensive, oppinionated and independent. But when I'm out with friends I don't feel the need to shout my conversations about blow jobs so everyone around hears me. I'm not into shock value. I know exactly who I am and if someone wants to know about me, I'm happy to share, but I won't force it on them. I don't get fall down, slurring, pass out drunk anymore. It is unattractive and I can't handle the hangovers anymore. I talk about the weather, politics, family and life a lot more.

I love who I am now and who I am becoming.

So many things have changed the past few years and I was just sitting, thinking on all of it....