Single does not equal sad.

Sometimes I wonder if the ebb and flow of my desire for a relationship is really what I want or if it is what has been pushed upon me as a female my entire life. I wonder if the feeling of being complete without a partner is because I really am fine being single or if it is because I've been alone for so long, it is just what I'm accustom to. Am I staying single because I refuse to settle or because the thought of giving someone the opportunity to hurt me the way I've been hurt in the past is just too scary? My marriage destroyed me. Divorce made me feel like a failure. My friendships feed that need for closeness and when I want sex, I have it. I don't see the need for someone to call a boyfriend/girlfriend but then there are days where all I want is a person to share everything with, to depend on, to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it and someone to take care of. My friend Joey got it right when he designed my tattoo, the contradiction of my need to be free with my desire to be loved. As women we are told in advertisements, from our families, our friends, our teachers and our religious leaders that what we want, our purpose, our inevitable ending, is to be a wife, a mother. These messages are sent to us in all forms from the moment we are born. We are put in our gender roles and the brainwashing begins. From what colors are for girls and for boys, what toys we play with and even how we're supposed to sit in comparison to our male counterparts. Men, in comparison, are told that they are supposed to feel the need to be free, they're closely compared to animals, the rules regarding life are not the same for men. They are expected to "sow their wild oats" and settle down later. Living a single and promiscuous lifestyle is completely acceptable for men, in fact, many married men envy their single friends. When a woman is single and engages in a more sexually free lifestyle, she's pathetic, sad and is told their is something wrong with it. Her married/non-single friends take on an air of judgement and pitty. Why? My life is fun, fulfilling and a constant adventure. I have the kinds of goals that I have NEVER had before. My entire life, all I wanted or what I thought I wanted, was to get married and have children. Now, those goals take a backseat to traveling, going back to school, having a career I love and being the best person I possibly can be, on my own terms. For the first time in my life and I mean in my entire life, all 26 years, I feel like the world, my life, is just one endless possibility. I can do anything I want. That is a better feeling than any relationship has ever given me and I'm going to hold onto it, I'm going to fight for that feeling every day. One day there will be someone that knows I'm too good to let go and until then, I'll continue loving my sexy single life.